On the Brink of a New Year: 2010

Well, the new year is upon us and its that time again for those ubiquitous resolutions. I used to be big on those; I’d write pages of goals and things that I would do differently in the new year. Very often I actually would do them, too. How things have changed, though! The past couple years it’s been one day at a time just trying to get through. I don’t have the energy or motivation to set goals for myself. Oh, ED, how I long to be rid of you forever. I would have to say that is probably my biggest hope for 2010 (I think that is such a cool year—I just like how the numbers fit together. Haha. I’m weird!):

I want to start LIVING my life.
I want to get rid of my pesky all-encompassing eating disorder.
I want to regain my health, vitality, and zest for living.
I want to stop feeling like I would rather be dead.
 
Gosh, I’m tearing up as I write this. These things are so close to my heart and so desperately desired by me that I can’t describe the frustration I feel at having them be so tangible yet so seemingly unachievable. I guess I really don’t have to explain, though. I suppose we have all felt that way at one point or another. I know that I often portray a "chipper" front on this blog, and I do feel a sort of happiness sometimes, but it is not that deep peace that I once felt. I no longer am the carefree, happy girl I once was. Now, it is like each day there is a weight pressing on me and I feel it is about to suffocate me—sometimes I almost wish it would. But there is no reprieve, it just digs deeper and deeper into my being.

I’m not trying to start a pity party or get sympathy, I’m just expressing what is in my heart…and my hopes that—at least part of—this weight will be lifted in the coming year. I so desperately want to feel better. I just don’t know how. One reason I am keeping this blog, this online journal of my thoughts and such, is because I hope to show my transition and recovery. I want to share that journey; I want to show others that it is possible. And I hope 2010 will reveal great progress towards that vision.