What’s Eating You?

 [Source]
Note: that’s not me. 

Sooooo…life has been tough lately. I’m not trying to be depressing and drag everyone down, but by the same token I don’t really feel like it’s honest to breeze on by all that I’m feeling just to write about something interesting. I want to try to acknowledge my feelings—both for me and for others. I want my readers to know that  if you’re feeling blue or going through something hard you’re not alone. I think on cyberspace it’s really easy to ignore those feelings or problems and just present a cheery and ‘together’ facade. That’s okay for some stuff I suppose, but on this blog I want to keep things honest and real! Food + feelings are definitely big things for me right now; so why hide it? By the same token, I definitely think there is a place for tact and discretion and I don’t intend to do away with that any time soon!

So what’s going wrong? Well eating has been okay. Not horrible at least…but than again I don’t really have much to eat in the way of binge foods because I haven’t gone to the store in a while. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  To some extent I feel like I need the binge foods and I just can’t live without them. When I don’t have them it is painful but I usually just end up eating other stuff instead. Which brings me to something I talked about once with my old counselor: if you’re really craving, say, a candy bar sometimes it’s better to just have what you really want (the candy bar) instead of eating a million other things to compensate. I’m not sure if that’s really the problem for me, though, but it makes me wonder if it’s better to stock up on the trigger foods to meet my craving instead of just trying to meet the need by eating a bunch of other stuff.

Overall, I guess I’ve just been feeling low lately because:

A Dozen Things That Weigh Me Down

1. My cRaZy sleep schedule—can’t sleep at night; sleep all day.
2. The usual weird eats and cravings; wondering whether my diet is contributing to any of my other problems.
3. Concentration issues; being overwhelmed and stressed.
4. Feeling depressed and blah.
5. Trying to be healthy and all that, falling short (not exercising, etc.)
6. Feeling like  a failure, a lousy person…because of so many things.
7. Not really having a life, just kinda hanging out at home feeling sorry for myself.
8. Worrying about money; being timid and scared to try new things.
9. Wanting to be perfect, getting frustrated that I’m not.
10. Feeling like I can’t do what I want, cultivate my talents—it seems like there’s always something in  the way.
11. Uncertainty about the future.
12. Guilt for not doing enough, not helping out enough, not praying and loving God enough.

And that’s just a taste of what swirls through my mind in any given hour. Sounds kind of like I need to do a gratitude exercise, doesn’t it? Well, I really don’t want to do this, but just because I should try to cheer up, here are 3 things I’m thankful for. (I think—I hope—I can handle 3!)

Three Things I’m Thankful For

1. My family. They’re not perfect but they’re alright. :D
2. Being free and, for the most part, safe.
3. My Catholic faith.

You know, it felt kind of good to get all that out—the drudgery dozen as well as the thankful three. I have to admit, I feel like Eeyore writing that first list, though. (Last week when I babysat the kids were watching Winnie the Pooh so I guess that’s in my mind. LOL).

What’s weighing you down? (You don’t have to list a dozen—though you can if you want.) What are some things you’re thankful for? This may sound stupid, but see if writing it all down doesn’t help. If you want, you can share your lists by leaving a comment.

No matter bad how things get, try to  just hang in there. You aren’t alone. I’m praying for y’all!!! (Pray for me too, k?)



P.S. I love making lists. Can you tell? ; )

Why Don’t I Love School Anymore?

This puzzles me. During my elementary years I found school to be a delightful experience. Albeit there were things that I found challenging, subjects I disliked, and  assignments I’d rather not do, but overall I LOVED school. And I loved my own particular educational experience.  As a homeschooled student I enjoyed being in charge of my own schedule and organizing my own work. (I  really do enjoy organization.) There were occasions that I did long for a “real” school, and a “real” teacher, classroom, co-students, schedule, etc., but I tend to think that was only a case of the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence.

Why did I like school so much? I don’t know for sure, and I’m not trying to flatter myself here, but I honestly think that I just relished learning. To this day, on my bedside shelf I keep some beloved textbooks of mine from eighth grade. I’m sure you’re either raising your eyebrows or laughing by now, but I kid you not. There was something about the magic that these books unlocked for me that I wished to cherish and experience over again. Now these aren’t my math and science texts; they’re poetry and vocabulary books. Which makes sense because I really love language: grammar, vocabulary, literature, writing…in most cases I find them all purely delightful, utterly fascinating, and breathtakingly beautiful.

So what exactly puzzles me about this? Well, more and more I find myself challenged by things I  used to love, turned off by the thought of hard work, and just struggling to get by in my academic studies. It could be that I’m not used to college rigor; it very well may be simply because I am no longer “master of my own fate”  in relation to school. I tend, however, to believe it is ED. Oh, the dreaded of beasts to encompass a girl. It’s tempting for me to assume I’m just making excuses for myself, and I could be, but when I examine things in light of the past, in light of the person I am—or was—it really just seems like he’s the one to blame. 

Okay, so I think the culprit is ED. But what do I do about it? How do I get through this? I’m eighteen; I need to move on with my life. This is one of the most important stages—it’s the time of life that one makes the decisions that determine her future. Academically, spiritually, physically…everything. These are the years that I’m supposed to step out into the world, to transition from childhood to adulthood, to make the choices that determine my own success. Oh! The angst, the pressure, the responsibility of it all—it weighs so heavily on my mind. Yet I am so incapable and I feel so helpless! How can I be expected to do all this?

The only answer I can surmise is to—as painful as this is for a perfectionist like me—CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK. I need to remind myself “you’re recovering girl!! Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This. is. hard. I wanna plan!! I want some direction! That’s all well and good, and I hope someday those things will come, but for now…for now, I guess I just need to try and get by doing the best I can? I dunno. I think. Maybe. Am I on the right track here? Does anyone else feel like this? Lots of questions, not a lot of answers. Okay, I know that God has a plan for me, so all I can say is “Jesus, it’s in YOUR hands.” Have faith. (I need faith!) Trust in him.
 
IMAGE SOURCE:  Microsoft Word Clipart, which can be accessed in Word or here. 

Lands’ End: Is it just for Mom?

When most people (including me) think of Lands’ End they usually think of a certain style of clothes. Oh sure, the company calls it “classic” and “durable” and who knows what else, but in reality that all to often translates into “shapeless”, “boring” or “retiree style.” I have nothing against 60 year-old women; it’s just that at age eighteen I’d rather not dress like one. Case in point, take a look at these items from their Fall ‘09 collection:

From left to right, Women's Regular Cotton Horizontal Shaker Cardigan Sweater, Women’s Regular Terry Travel Slippers with Bag, Women’s Regular Solid Necessary Knits Long Skirt.
   
Dowdy sweaters, grandma slippers, and long knit skirts with clunky sandals. Am I just totally missing the potential here?
___________________________________________________________

Okay, so those pictures (above) are what I usually think of when I see Lands' End. Every so often though, I notice a catalog (like the one that came in the mail the other day) and I start to second guess my presumptions. Do these clothes just look cute because of the scenery, professional photography, and physically near-perfect models? Are my eyes just playing tricks on me? Has it been to long since I saw some good fashion? Am I out of touch? Should I start looking for gray hairs on my head? What do YOU think of the following?


The shirtwaist one has got to be my favorite.
________________________________________________

I’m not sure if I like this sweater…or if it’s just her hair and pearl-drop earrings + the quaint little tea room back-drop that caught my eye.

Again, this outfit would probably look horrible on me, but on her—with that stunning autumn landscape—it looks sort of English-pastoral, don’t you think? Still, I’d have to say that I’m on the fence about this look. (hahaha).












Pretty shoes, no? Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find them on the site…must be sold out.

This spread is from the catalog. The one dress is the same as the very first dress pictured (it’s in brown there, though).

The swingy coat, wavy hair, quaint house, vintage car, and sunlight filtering through the trees all make for a nice picture. But is it buy-worthy?

I really want a pair of skinny jeans to wear with a long comfy sweater. Probably not exactly like the ones pictured here, though.

These shoes are one of the things on this page that I REALLY love. Honestly, I want a pair in every color!! Then again…I’m kind of fond of patent leather. Still, I think these are just darling in every way. So versatile, too.

__________________________________________________________

My verdict: While I certainly like some of these items, I don’t know if I would actually buy most of them. Plus, although they may look cute in the catalog or online, who knows how they’ll actually fit in real-life. I guess that’s true with any clothes item, but I still would feel a bit timid to order from them (even if I had the money) because of my fixed notion that they cater to an older crowd. Still, I had fun looking at the catalog and if I had oodles of spending cash I would probably look into the shirtwaist dress and a (or a couple!) pairs of those charming little flats.

What do you think about Lands’ End clothes? Have you ever ordered anything from them? What was your experience? Leave a comment and let me know!

*Hugs*

Source: You can find most of the pictures I used here at LandsEnd.com or just click on the photo to follow a link to the item. Note that the images with non-white backgrounds are taken from the online edition of the current print catalog, which you can access here.

Sometimes Life Is Hard

Wow. I really don’t want this blog to sound perpetually down and depressing, but it is equally important to me to be honest in my struggles. In doing so I hope I can aid others going through similar battles to know that they are not the only one…and that no matter how bad things get there is always someone to share your pain with. There is a lot of power to be found in a support network, both for recovery and fulfillment. It is my wish that in some small way this blog will help someone out there. Nothing could make me happier than that.

                             [Source]                 ~  Isn’t this photo beautiful? ~

Okay, so enough about all that. I suppose y’all would like to know what’s been going on lately. Truth be told, today was a tough day: I couldn’t fall asleep last night for some reason and once slumber did find me I only enjoyed it for about 3 hours before I had to get up to go to Mass with the family. After Mass, I promptly went back to bed and slept for about 6 hours—until about 4:00 p.m. Then, while everyone else was at youth group (my parents help out with youth ministry at our parish), I had a binge. Like, a HUGE binge. Well, at least it seemed huge to me. It was pretty big…and hard. I don’t think a lot of people really understand the nature of binges. It’s the weirdest thing—I’m so out of control sometimes,  it gets to the point where the food doesn’t even sound or taste good but still down the hatch it goes. It’s like the food is going to fill this void inside me. What that void is I’m not entirely sure, but it’s really not about food. Now, if you’ve been through any sort of treatment for an ED you know that this statement often seems overused. Sometimes it just doesn’t even make any sense, because for many sufferers food seems to be all the ED is about. Well it’s not. So don’t blame the food. And above all, DON’T BLAME YOURSELF! Believing in your own beauty and worth while in the depth of the illness is one of the hardest things. It’s just so easy to beat yourself up. But
please try, as much as you can, to give yourself a little compassion. Remember, it is an illness and it is never the victim’s choice or fault.

See yourself for what you really are, underneath ED, and take consolation in knowing that all trials come to an end. Keep the faith and keep up the fight! God bless you.

FYI, do understand that I need to hear this as much as anyone but writing it all out helps me. After all, teaching is the best way to learn! If you are suffering from an ED, I am right there with you and I hope we can support each other along the path to recovery.

It’s All About the Fight

   [Source]                                                                                       

This ^ lovely quote is from none other than Mother Teresa. Incidentally, today, September 10,  is the sixty-third anniversary of when this remarkable woman first heard the call to serve “the poorest of the poor”.

I think we all know that Mother Teresa is an inspiration; she’s really more than that—she’s nearly a saint! But we sometimes forget that she was also just an ordinary person who did great things with God’s help. If you’ve ever read any of her writings or interviews you know that she is a simple woman with a deep faith in her Creator. That, I think, should give us all hope that no matter what our state in life we can do great things with God’s help. 

I found out about the significance of this day by happening to glance at my dad’s My Daily Visitor. Today’s reflection was all about this, and it was a message I really needed to hear. You see, I had two rather large binges today. Added together they totaled about 3,000 kcals, collectively. It is so easy for me to get down-in-the-dumps when I FAIL miserably like this. But I have learned that the only thing I really can do is get back up again, dust myself off, and try to do better next time. This is not to say that such moments aren’t hard and that I don’t still feel guilty, out-of-control, and depressed. I do. I just have to try, though, because like Mother Teresa reminds us, ''God doesn't ask us to be successful: God asks us to be faithful.''  I don’t know how long this trial (my ED) will continue. It’s not easy and it’s not fun—sometimes I worry that I’m not trying hard enough and that I’ll never get better. But when I have those thoughts I know that’s not God talking. Nothing is impossible with him. On our own we can do zilch, nada; with him we can do anything.

No matter what you face, always remember it is the fight and not the fall that counts in the end.

I’ll be the first to say this isn’t easy. Like, REALLY isn’t easy. It’s hard, hard, hard. But God is with you every step of the way. Even if you’re like me and don’t feel it 99% of the time, he still is faithful. Believe it. Sometimes it is the only thing that gets us through.

Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, pray for us!