Do you ever….

1. Feel like you have so much to say that you are going to explode if you don’t get it out…yet, for some reason, you don’t know how to get it out?

2. Want to live but spend the most of your life sleeping?

3. Sleep to avoid living?

4. Avoid going to bed because that means you will have to face the quiet before falling asleep…and that quiet means you will have to face yourself?

5. Stifle your emotions with food, distraction, TV, school, blog reading…whatever will keep you from having to deal with the impossible emotions—anger, sadness, fear, confusion, frustration, anxiety—that linger inside you? Yet, no matter what you do, those emotions are still there?

6. Wish someone could understand you and help you? Because you feel so alone…so lost and helpless.

7. Feel afraid to laugh and smile because people will think you are happy? When in reality you are only laughing and smiling because you can—it is what happens—and doesn’t mean you are happy.

8. Wonder why you feel like you need to prove that you aren’t happy? Then remember it’s because of that feeling—the one that never leaves. The one you try to squash with the distractions, food, etc. The one that is still there regardless.

9. Get frustrated when people constantly tell you that you are smart and pretty and fun and witty (didn’t mean for that to rhyme)…when you know beyond a reasonable doubt that NONE of those things are true. They think you just say that to be modest, yet you wish they only knew how untrue their words were. Still, some part of you wonders if they could be right…? No, maybe I used to be. Was. I am not. Not now.

10. Feel almost sad to see spring start to appear…because spring means happiness, lightness, brightness, cheeriness…and you aren’t feeling those things. Plus, it is not so bad to waste one’s day when it is a dreary one. But to waste a brilliant, beautiful, sunny one is a crime…that hurts.

11. Think you need to get around to editing and posting your “story”…if you may be bold enough to call it something so important-sounding  as that.

12. Think you would like to watch the Oscars…if you had some way to, that is?

13. Find writing so difficult because you feel like you need to do it a certain way? Or else you avoid it because you think you can’t?

14. Imagine what you would like your life to be like? Paint a picture in your mind of the life you would like to have? But you know it’s never possible…or so it seems…

15. Dream of doing great things…yet find it impossible to imagine ever being able to?

16. Overuse the ellipsis…?

17. Wonder if life was actually better four years ago when you were sliding into anorexia? Yet you know it wasn’t because bingeing was what followed because of that.

18. Wish you could get the good without the bad?

19. Wonder if this post makes sense?

20. Are such a perfectionist (not a good enough one, though) that you had to hit exactly 20 things before you hit “Publish”? Just because 2o is a better number that 19.

21. But you are going to rebel and post more than 20. :]


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“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson [Definitely over-quoted, but good nonetheless.]