I feel it is only fair to warn you that this is not a happy post. I’m not trying to be melancholy or get anyone depressed—I just need to get this stuff out.
Wow. I hate being depressed. If that is what you call this cloud of gray hanging over everything. It’s crazy because I keep trying to convince myself that I’m not that bad; well what the heck is “bad” anyway? This feels pretty bad. And, yes, I know that I’m probably the one making it this way. I just don’t know how to get out of this hole that I’ve fallen into for the past 3-4 years. All I really know is that while some things have gotten more tolerable (I’ve gotten used to them), I’m not so sure anything has actually gotten better.
At this point in my life I don’t know who to turn to. Do I just need to do it on my own? Usually I talk to my mom. But lately, she hasn’t really seemed to understand. Or else I’m just difficult and not receptive to her advice. Every so often she gets this “tough love” thing going on where she feels like she just needs to tell it to me frankly. Even if she is right, (is she?) I don’t respond well to this approach. As much as I love my sister, her method is usually the same: “Nothing is easy, Audrey. You just need to tough it up and seize the day. It’s not simple for the rest of us. We just do it. You can’t be a baby. Sooner or later you have to grow up.” They just don’t get it…or is it really me?
Why does it have to be so hard if it’s that simple? Is it that simple? I want to do something to get better but all my previous experiences with therapy, psychiatry, etc. have been pretty futile. But at least I was doing something. I wasn’t STUCK. In the mud.
Constantly in the back of my mind is the very fact that I need God. I really, really do. He’s all that matters. If only I lived that. My dear mom seems to think that spiritual support will help me a lot. She’s been saying the same thing for years: “I just really think the faith aspect is what’s going to help you, Audrey.” “The spiritual angle is so crucial in getting better, Audrey.” She says this so much, it almost drives me crazy. Of course I know that she’s right. We aren’t mere bodies—we are bodies and souls. So…if that will help how can I get that kind of help? Recently, she’s offered to have me talk to one of two priests. Neither of these priests are people I would feel comfortable talking to, though. Not that they are bad people or anything…it’s just that, well, you have to know them. I thought she was kidding at first, but she wasn’t.
The other thing that she’s been pushing lately is that I should go back to the very first counselor I ever saw. Because 1) she is Catholic, and 2) she is close to where we live. Sounds great, right? Well, there was a reason I stopped going there! And needless to say, I don’t feel like it would do much good to go back…if only because of the pain of retreading on past ground. So after I bat down both those suggestions, she throws her hands up in the air and acts like “I’ve tried everything. You obviously don’t want help.” I DO! Am I being difficult? Probably. My mom is one of the nicest people in the world, and she’s the only person I really know to go to for help, I just don’t know what to do.
I keep getting the same messages thrown at me over and over. Mantras that are not-so-subtly shouted. Other than the aforementioned “you need to get over it”, there is…
“You need to get up earlier” > I don’t want to get up. I want to sleep this horrible life off. It’s not horrible, really. I know that. But it feels horrible. But seriously, I do get up in the afternoon like everyday. And I stay up until everyone else is getting up. Why? Because I have no self control? Because I want to be alone? Because I like the peace and quiet…solitude? They hate me for it. But what don’t they hate me for? Oh, I forgot…it’s not them that are hating me. It’s me that is hating me…or hating the habits I have, the person I am.
“You need to do more for others” > This makes me feel so guilty. How can I help others when I can’t even survive myself. I know this is so true. It’s all a good idea. But most days I can’t even get out of bed (see above), so how on earth can I exert enough to do this?
I am being illogical. I am perhaps even silly or confused. I know that. But I am just hanging on by a thread. I feel that I have no options, no future…so much uncertainty…
College: I’m scared to leave home. Not because I love home, though I do; it is nice and—most of all—it is safe. Rather, I can’t imagine how I would survive the college “life.” My life is far from balanced and that balance will be crucial for university success. I have pretty much *zilch* concentration, which makes school nearly impossible and a definite struggle. This, confounded with the fact that I have very low mental stability, patience, resilience, fortitude—you get the idea—makes me think that I could not take classes. And if I don’t take classes, why would I got to college? To decorate my dorm? Uh, I don’t think so.
Stay home: That’s so promising (I’m being sarcastic). Here, in the middle of beautiful nowhere. Which I like. Really, it is very scenic where I live. I had a splendid time growing up here. But there are no options for me to expand my horizons. No chance of things ever changing. I would probably remain where I am now…and I can’t fathom the thought of that. Stuck.
Money: I have practically no ability to hold down or get a job. I have no idea how I ever make money. Life seems more and more like a crazy wheel where everyone just scrapes to get by—emotionally, mentally, physically, fiscally. Or is that just me? I’m nearly flat broke…and no hope of that situation changing. It must change, though.
Deep inside I still relish the thought of a better future. I just can’t imagine ever getting there. It’s an elusive dream. A rambling fairy tale. A vapor that vanishes the moment you reach for it.
You can change your diet.
You can change your surroundings.
But you can’t change your life
Until you change your thoughts.How on earth do you change your thoughts?
I’ve not really earnestly done any of those things. They all do help, I’m sure, but the mind is where it’s at. Once peace and solitude is achieved within, everything else seems clearer and calmer…right? I hope so. But I need to change something. I need help. I want to be happy again. Deeply at peace. Then again, was I ever at peace, or just too young to know the difference…to know the pain…or have I just forgotten that I had it even then?
I’m sorry this is so angst-y. I tremble slightly at the prospect of hitting publish. Will people think I’m crazy for posting this? I’m trying not to care. I sh0uldn’t write for others. At least not here. Because this is where I can explore my thoughts and feelings. Get them out.
It’s March. Happy March. I have a giveaway coming up soon so stay tuned. :) Here’s a little teaser: 
Bye for now,
P.S. Giveaways here, here, here, here and here. Whew!
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“Aspire not to have more
but to be more.” –Bishop Oscar Romero
9 comments:
Hi, hang in there. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate to exactly how you're feeling, I felt the same way at 18 still living at home, recovering from an eating disorder, working crappy jobs and trying to figure out where my college career was going. Remind yourself as often as possible of all the good things you have to be thankful for, maybe keep a daily journal listing your blessing. Through this maybe you can find there are many opportunities available to you, the world is really your oyster.
Hi, hang in there. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate to exactly how you're feeling, I felt the same way at 18 still living at home, recovering from an eating disorder, working crappy jobs and trying to figure out where my college career was going. Remind yourself as often as possible of all the good things you have to be thankful for, maybe keep a daily journal listing your blessing. Through this maybe you can find there are many opportunities available to you, the world is really your oyster.
Oh Audrey, hang in there. I have been there--believe me--with the anxiety and depression so deep you don't know where to start. Other people might have better advice, but I thought I'd share things that worked for me in the past.
-I know it seems daunting, but volunteering (I worked in a church garden an hour each Saturday to start) really did help me get out of the loop of incredibly negative thoughts. I think working in a garden was also a really nice fit because it gave me something physical to do without the drain of communication.
-There might be somewhere to get discounted counseling if you aren't covered under your parents' insurance. In Philadelphia, there is a non-profit counseling center called the Council for Relationships. Therapists in training volunteer there at a discounted rate (and mine was wonderful). At the very least, they might be able to point you to something closer in your neighborhood.
-Walks. Again, when even getting out of bed is a challenge, a walk sounds absurd, but if you can lace up your shoes and even walk a few blocks and sit outside, it might help. If you wanted company, maybe your mom, sister, or friend could join you.
More than anything, though, know that people are there for you. We haven't met, but if you ever need to vent to some anonymous person, you can shoot me an email. Hang in there.
Oh Audrey, hang in there. I have been there--believe me--with the anxiety and depression so deep you don't know where to start. Other people might have better advice, but I thought I'd share things that worked for me in the past.
-I know it seems daunting, but volunteering (I worked in a church garden an hour each Saturday to start) really did help me get out of the loop of incredibly negative thoughts. I think working in a garden was also a really nice fit because it gave me something physical to do without the drain of communication.
-There might be somewhere to get discounted counseling if you aren't covered under your parents' insurance. In Philadelphia, there is a non-profit counseling center called the Council for Relationships. Therapists in training volunteer there at a discounted rate (and mine was wonderful). At the very least, they might be able to point you to something closer in your neighborhood.
-Walks. Again, when even getting out of bed is a challenge, a walk sounds absurd, but if you can lace up your shoes and even walk a few blocks and sit outside, it might help. If you wanted company, maybe your mom, sister, or friend could join you.
More than anything, though, know that people are there for you. We haven't met, but if you ever need to vent to some anonymous person, you can shoot me an email. Hang in there.
Aw sweetie, big hugs. It's posts like these that make me wish I lived ten minutes from all bloggers, so that I could talk to you in person. All I can say is that I've been there, on and off for years, and you CAN change your life before changing your thoughts. That's what's worked for me best actually, pretending my life can be better and living as if it is...and slowly, it does change. My parents are super supportive of me, but I don't think they quite understand the whole ED/depression thing. It sounds so corny, but it has to come from within you. People can help, but you're the only one with the power to truly change your world. It's so scary, but sometimes you just have to jump into change, because what else is there to do? You can only go up :) Hang in there love!
Okay, Audrey...I'm glad you got this out. Because your situation, it sounds a lot like mine about 1 year before.
One thing: your parents are right...you NEED to get over this. But they are also oversimplifying it, of course. Everything takes time. Just like it took a lot of time for you to get sunk into ED, it will take time for you to pull yourself out of it, too. But what matters most, is right NOW. What are you doing right NOW to pull yourself out of it? Each and every single day matters. And it IS within your power and capability to make every day matter. Set up a definite plan: what challenges do you want to face each day? What do you want to do different today, and defeat ED? Set up detailed goals for yourself, instead of waiting...waiting for what? You won't ever miraculously just get "well" by waiting. You need active steps, and practical actions to fight this.
Another thing: helping others. That is SO critical in your recovery, too. I know it sounds ridiculous--how can I help others when I can't even help myself? That's how I felt, too. But I wrote about my story with Ted...and that is one example of how helping others can ultimately help YOU.
Honestly, ED is such a self-engrossed disorder. You only think for yourself, and it's sort of a self-obsession: your weight, your intake, your emotion, your routine, etc. etc. But when you start to turn your concerns to OTHER people, and really learn and view the struggles other people face...it kind of turns your attention away from your own...and that is when you start to despise your ED, that's when your focus is shifting away from yourself. That is critical in recovery.
Ah, Audrey. You're right. You NEED God. To be honest, I would NEVER have made it as far as I have, without God. God is my true savior...He worked in all kinds of ways to implement my recovery, and I believe that He will with you, too. Please have hope.
And you can email me anytime, just to talk or vent...or anything. My ears (or eyes) are always open and welcome to you! Hugs, and peace be with you, my dear!
Hey Audrey! I'm so very sorry you don't feel happy. These are tough times, the age you're at -- I remember it well. Just try to stay calm and have faith that you know your own heart and can make a good series of decisions. I promise you that.
Sending a hug!
I used to have a huge issue with depression when I was a child and it became debilitating between ages 18-21. I went to a therapist who was very supportive and kind, but because my natural reaction was to process our conversations intellectually instead of emotionally it didn't help. Several people recommended Dr. Nicki Monti (www.stucknomore.com) to me, but I waited until I couldn't even leave the house before taking her workshop. I ended up working with her for a year and a half and have never fallen so deep ever again. Not to say that I don't have sadness, fear, anxiety etc, but I never los myself the way I did with depression. The reason she worked for me is because what she teaches is highly spiritual and there's a lot of doing as well as talking. She may not be the best option for you, but I do recommend trying different things until you find something that hits! Plus, being 18 is hard! There's a lot that you're about to take on and a lot that's going to change (if you want it to), but keep your trust in God because He will always be there for you no matter what and you will be okay.
Also, if you're not in too deep, and I was a lot of the time so this didn't always work for me but if you can, make a game plan for yourself. Make a list of things that will snap you back and try to do them when you feel the depression coming on.
Here are some things that work for me: Meditating, going outside for a walk, writing, writing down 5 things that I'm thankful for, exercise, praying, reminding myself that my thoughts aren't necessarily real and I'm choosing to believe them, cleaning out a drawer/desk/room etc, embracing the depression by wearing black clothing black eyeliner etc., drawing...
I hope you feel better and don't worry, everything gets better. :)
ok i can post now and couldn't before. i feel like a lot of this post could have been written by me at age 18. it was a tough time for me. please trust that in time things will open up for you an fall into place. you are smart and can write and that is a huge talent and i am sure you have many more.
as for counselors, it took me 10 years before i found someone who i really like and i still have trust issues with her. but even if they are not the perfect counselor, try it out because it can help.
wishing you happiness like you deserve.
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