Where Do I Go From Here?

I have been writing the past couple days, I just haven’t been blogging. In an effort to spend more time away from the computer I have kind of been writing old school. You know, with a pen in a notebook? But after I would scribble several pages of mental mash I would think “Eh, do I really want to write all this online? Is this worth sharing?” It’s hard to know sometimes. It’s not like it was really personal, just rather superfluous.

I stumbled across this cool diagram the other day. (Click on image for source). It’s definitely something that’s been on my mind.

I’ve been wondering lately…or rather, trying to figure out… “Where do I go from here? What comes next? What do I need to do to improve?”

I may give the impression that my life is really horrible. It’s not. There are some very happy, fun, genuinely delightful moments in it. The problem is, I feel unsettled and uncertain, alone, confused and scared. I believe this is also called adolescence. Being unsettled and uncertain, alone, etc.  (you get the point) isn’t really a bad thing. It just means that something has to change, and some great things can come from change. (Unfortunately, not this type of change, but I digress.)

I’m caught between the “I need to do something to improve my life” and “I’m just trying to get through and do the best I can.” That last statement makes me cringe; who wants to live their life just scraping by? Not this girl. But sometimes—most of the time—it seems like all I can do. People have told me: “Life isn’t easy for the rest of us, we just have to face it. We just DO IT.” Meanwhile, I cower in the corner, huddled under the covers, both brilliantly hopefully and painfully crippled with fear and doubt. I’m kind of like the caterpillar in the cocoon or the bud waiting to blossom. The life is in there, but the formidable exterior remains to be dealt with. Yet unlike those fetching little metaphors, time doesn’t seem to be healing this trepidation. It’s been years, but that hesitation and incapability remains. I hate it. It amuses me to look back and think of how polar opposite I am to the girl I was pre…pre-whatever-this-thing-is-called. I was FAR from perfect, of course, but I was disciplined, I was motivated, I was a go-getter, I was creative. Somewhere inside I know those qualities are still there, but now my prominent emotion is overwhelmedness. I know that’s not a word, but it makes a rather convenient one to describe this particular feeling. :)

Some people think I am shy, that I like staying at home, that I am the agreeable, amicable, warm, and welcoming mediator-middle-child (that was a MOUTHFUL!). Maybe I do and maybe I am. But really? I’ve never had the chance to prove otherwise. Would it help if my environment changed? If I challenged myself? Yet how can I venture into the unknown (a.k.a., college) when I feel so incapable and afraid? Afraid of not being able to keep up with classes, afraid of being scared and alone…afraid of a lot. I do not want to fool myself into thinking that my attitude will change when my surroundings do, but could it be that they are kind of interdependent?

I say all of this, but part of me yearns for the adventure that college will bring. It’s a whole new stage in my life, and it could hold marvelously wonderful opportunities and experiences, people and knowledge. Who knows? I sure don’t!

But back to the present, and back to those questions: what do I do NOW? Not this summer, this fall, this year, or in the next ten years…now. I really don’t know, but there are a couple things I can think of that might help…

1) Get a counselor. Maybe it won’t be the perfect counselor, but  it is something, and it will be a step forward. This is probably the hardest one because I have NO idea how to go about doing this.

2) Keep writing, but don’t make it a chore and don’t make it so complicated.

3) Plug along in school; finish math class the best I can.

4) Plan on going to college this fall, and try not to worry (more like freak out!) about it too much.

Those are just a handful of things I think I could do. There is probably more, but this is what I’m going to focus on for now.

This post probably seems like a “brain dump” but I guess that’s okay.

I think that’s all for now. :)

 
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“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” –Harriet Beecher Stowe