So Much Uncertainty

The reason that I haven’t blogged lately is because I was gone visiting a college. Then, when I got back yesterday, our Internet was down. :( We just finally got it fixed. I’ve missed blogging, and I’ve been really wishing I had the time and wireless to make it happen. Thankfully, everything is back to normal now. I have a ton of posts to publish, though!

The college visit went okay. (I did it.) I stayed the night Thursday and attended a couple classes on Friday. The school is very nice but I have a lot of misgivings. I’m not sure it is the place for me. I keep going back and forth on whether I should go away this fall. For a time, I lean one way or another, and then something happens that makes me doubt that resolve. It’s exhausting. I’ve tossed over and over in my mind how I could make this work, but it seems that there is no viable solution. (Ooh, “viable” is such a great word! Am I the only one who gets excited about vocabulary? It’s just delightful when I stumble across a word that perfectly expresses what I’m trying to say. Too often I get stuck in the same overused, unimaginative words. Like “word” itself. What’s another good way to say that?)

My mom thinks that if I am not sure, I shouldn’t do it and that we should explore other options. What other options? I don’t want to stay home another year. She said that I will know when I’m ready to go to college and that it will feel ‘right’. But I’m almost 19; I don’t want to get too behind in the game.

I know that this is in God’s hands. I need to remind myself of that. He has something planned for my life. The hard part is figuring out His will. I want to succeed—to do well—but I feel helpless. God is so powerful, and so much bigger than all of my weaknesses and fears. I need to believe that.

I yearn for connection, for sharing and living my faith with others. I want to make friends, to think, to prove that I can be someone. But who do I need to prove it too? Myself, I think. And what if I fail? It has happened before, I know.

The admissions people were bit intimidating (unintentionally, of course), the classes were hard and I felt stupid, the dorms are quite bad, the food is abysmal. I have to live on campus and I have to buy the meal plan. No way to avoid those. I spent the whole day and ride back yesterday throwing around in my mind how I could make it work. I flitted in and out of sleep as I sat in the backseat of our big van, tossed around by both the bumpy roads and my inescapable thoughts.

I have something to give; there is something in me—I know it. But that amazing part of me lies hidden and dormant. It is too scared of the withering girl that holds it back. And that withering girl is afraid of that potential inside of her. [Is it strange that I talk about myself in third person?]

Everything seems to point to the fact that I should go, but on close examination, the facts don’t line up. The realism of the situation is brutally unfavorable—how can I overcome the obstacles that hinder me? What of those “other options” my mom spoke of? What if I go and it doesn’t work out? How could I even make it work out in the first place?

So many questions…