I am so tired of fighting, so tired of not being the person I want to be. I constantly seek fulfillment, but I remain empty. I know where to find it. Why can’t I? Why DON’T I?
Everything seems so hard… sometimes.
I am not the person I want to be. I strive to get through one more day… actually, it’s not really like that. Most days are pretty “okay”—not great, but not really bad. But when I really look at my situation and realize how utterly lost I am, it hurts. I see myself and where I am, how I am, what I do, what I don’t do. Why?
Most days I can keep it together. This is progress. But I am not well. People tell me to not tell myself that, to get over it. I don’t know how to “get over it.” Many people are lost, as I am, in one way or another. I want to scoop up all the trodden, tormented souls of the world into a hug and tell them that it will be okay. But I don’t know that it will be.
I am tired. Tired of it. This THING. I can’t escape others, I can’t escape myself. That is where the problem is, but I don’t know how to fix it. People don’t realize how tough it is, but I have no way of making them understand…except through my words. I hesitate to say that it is bad, because I know it could be worse. Many people do have it worse. I have it good compared to them.
But it often feels—in the moment—quite hard. I try to grit my teeth and swallow my wishes, to do what I must, but it is so difficult. I am not strong enough.
No one understands.
Yet there is always a way. [Something makes me say that even though I feel it is not true. I guess because I don’t want to be perceived as a “downer.” Silly.]
I know not how, I know not when, but this too shall pass. Shall it? Can someone help me, please? Or must I help myself. As if I knew how.
Will I ever please anyone, mostly me. Will I “get over it.”
I want to. I have no one to lean on. I do, but He seems far away. I think I am the one who made that gap, though.
Oh.
Can’t escape it can’t change it can’t make it don’t know how why when where what who help please me i need it is too big but i am too small i am…
Sorry for the rant. I’m just a bit crazy, probably. (Especially that last paragraph!)
It’s just one of those days, as lame as that sounds. Everything and everyone seems to be bothering me. Me most of all. Little stuff getting on my nerves; big stuff is wearing off my nerves. Oh. oh. oh.
(embarrassed to sign my name to this one.)
P.S. Apologies to Jordin Sparks for riffing (is that the right word?) off of her song (in the title of this post).
4 comments:
Sorry that it has
taken me so long to get back with you, Aunt Lindsay. I really enjoyed reading
your thoughtful message; thank you for the great suggestions. That is a great
post you wrote! I can certainly relate a lot with the things you've mentioned
there. It's hard to know whether or not we will ever really feel that we
"fit in", because of course we are not meant for this world. In a
sense, I suppose that is good because it keeps us (or should keep us) focused
on heaven.
That was an
excellent description of depression in your comment. I read that and just kind
of nodded to myself as I went along--that's exactly what I'm experiencing! I am
always hesitant to label myself, though, because I always think that I'm not
bad or that I am maybe just exaggerating the situation and that those are
normal things everyone goes through. Perhaps I just have an inability to deal
with them? Sometimes I just think it is me, but I don't understand why things
that used to be so easy for me are now so hard. I am very worried about this
when I go away to college next year (I'm going the same place that Eddie
is at. I would say the name but since this is the Internet I'm not sure how
prudent that would be). I am worried that I will not be able to do the course
work, especially considering that is a fairly rigorous curriculum. Everyone
tries to tell me that I'm smart and that I can do it, and I probably could if I
was myself but since there is this veil of "something" hanging over
me it makes me very fretful. Mainly I just have problems concentrating.
As for the Omega 3s
and Vitamin D, I don't think you are nagging! I welcome the suggestion, and I
have heard a lot of good things about those two--Omegas for brain function and
Vitamin D as something that many Americans are deficient in. I actually took your suggestion and went
outside with a book to sit in the sun. I am very glad I did because it was a
beautiful day (especially here in the country) and it really made me appreciate
it so much more. I find all the nutritional information so mind boggling.
Intuitively I know what is "right" and healthy (as far as basic
nutrition goes) but I get tripped up in all the vitamins and supplements. So
confusing for something that should be so simple. I'm still trying to figure
everything out food-wise, too. Sometimes it feels like that will be a life-long
battle. I am going to look into the books you mentioned. I have never read any
of those authors. I've been trying (rather fruitlessly) to do more reading, as
it used to be something that I really enjoyed. Mostly now I have a hard time
making myself concentrate to do it, but I can! There are so many great books
out there. I especially wish I read more philosophy and theology stuff, as that
interests me a great deal even if it is sometimes a bit over my head. I've
listened to several of Peter Kreeft's podcasts and I find those really
interesting. I really enjoy his work. Although I like that stuff I've most
often reached for fiction in the past. Regina Doman is a Catholic author whom
Dominica introduced me to several years back and I really like her books. They
are more aimed at teenagers and young adults but I like how she incorporates
Catholic teaching into completely gripping fiction. Books are something I could
talk a long time about because I love them--especially old books (I feel very much the same about movies, but that's another topic for another day). I've
brainstormed before about a ways to preserve those truly good books--especially
children's and young adult books--from both the past and present. Unfortunately
I find those to be more common in the past, but I know there are still many
good writers out there today.
Wow, I'm sorry that
this reply is so long. I am sure it is more than you bargained for when you
left your comment. I have a tendency to ramble...
Take care and say hi
to everyone there!
Audrey
My darling darling Audrey. Your words resonate with me just as always... Whenever people tell me that I remind them of themselves when they were younger, I tend to get this irksome feeling and immediately think "No you're wrong! I'm not YOU, I'm ME!" - and somehow I find myself wanting to tell you the exact same thing. That we're similar. But perhaps I won't say that then. Perhaps I'll simply say that I understand you. And go by faith and trust that you get that.
And yes, it does pass. Time changes everything. Time mends all things. In many ways, time represents God. Did you know that? Ecclesiastes - He has made all things beautiful in its own time. :-) I wish right now so hard that I could be right next to you and be that friend you always knew you needed.
Lord, grant Audrey an extra portion of Your abundant and all-sufficient grace right now!
:-) aletheia
That is just how life is. If you look close enough ALL of us feel lost and alone at time. But you are right--you are not alone. He--the Saviour is near! The distance between Him and us is normally only determined by how close we want to be to him. He is not the one far away from us, even though it seems like it, but rather us--lost and far away from him.
I feel the pain--I've been through my share of pain and heartache. The reason things got to looking better for me is letting it all go and FALLING into Jesus' arms. That's it!
HUGS.
Audrey, I don't mean to self promote, but I wrote this blog post recently, and I think it speaks to the fact that it is normal to feel lost and misunderstood. http://thismysymphony.blogspot.com/2010/04/frightfully-in-between.html This world is not our home! I have dealt with depression before, and it is true that everything feels heavier, more irritating, and almost like your feet are in clay. It is harder to motivate yourself to do what you know you should. I hope I'm not nagging, but be sure you are getting your Omega 3s and Vitamin D! I take cod liver oil, especially just after a baby, but make yourself a smoothie with some flax seed oil added and go outside and read an uplifting book while you soak in some sunshine! St. Francis de Sales is my favorite read when I'm spiritually drained (he is so gentle and easy to take in) or a new author I have enjoyed is DE Stevenson for light reading or you might try Rumer Godden (In This House of Bread) or Elizabeth Goudge (I especially like the Eliot family trilogy) for some fiction that inspires spiritual reflection.
Post a Comment