My Kooky Cookie Escapades

Since I last blogged about my quest to find the perfect vegan chocolate chip cookie, I have had at least one other rather pitiful attempt. Thankfully, I was able to salvage the dough by transforming them into a sort of bar cookie. Still…they were fair from spectacular and definitely not the real cookie I was looking for. I began to secretly doubt my ability to concoct an authentic vegan chocolate chip cookie without complicated ingredients. I was far from giving up, though, and the other night I decided to rekindle the quest. This time I decided to actually search for a recipe online instead of modifying a conventional recipe or making up my own. I doubted I would find one that didn’t call for Earth Balance—as that seemed to be the common denominator among successful recipes I had found thus far—or some other ingredient that was not already in my cupboard.

But lo and behold, I stumbled across this wonderful recipe for Happy Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies from VegWeb.com (btw, this looks like a very cool site. I look forward to exploring it further). I think  these cookies are very aptly named, too, because they certainly made me a happy vegan. :)

There are several things I loved about this recipe:

• It used oil—not costly vegan margarine
• It appeared to be very easy to make
• It used water instead of soymilk or another non-dairy milk (again, makes them cheaper…and I usually don’t have those on hand)
• It didn’t use egg replacer—which I have no problem with, but for simplicity’s sake it was delightful to see that it wasn’t necessary

  Still, I had my doubts. This recipe sounded almost too good to be true. Yet the photos, comments, and ratings of people who had made these sounded very promising. So without further ado I scribbled down the recipe and got to work.

Considering my faulty history, this time through I wanted to follow the recipe very closely…and then if they turned out I would make modifications later. By doing this I hoped to avoid the problems I had previously encountered with similar recipes. Still, I couldn’t quite resist subbing half of the all-purpose flour (which I rarely bake with, but did this time for the reasons outlined above) with oat flour. I also omitted the cinnamon, because that seemed like a funky ingredient for chocolate chip cookies anyway.

And guess what? THEY TURNED OUT! I was a little worried since the dough seemed runnier than traditional cookie dough, but I trusted the recipe and resisted the urge to add more flour. This resulted in, yes, a slightly thinner cookie. But they were no less delicious.

By the way, I’m sorry about the poor photo quality. At the time I was taking these pictures it was dark out so I had to use artificial light—which doesn’t always work out well for me because I don’t have any fancy camera equipment. That is also why some of these pictures have a yellow cast (normal light) and some have a blue cast (florescent light). I was trying to experiment with getting the best quality. Alas, neither are that great, so just use your imagination—they looked better than this. :)
What my family thought: I think it always helps to have a few non-vegan reviewers since my tastes may have adapted or be different than theirs. My dad raved about these…and that is saying a lot since he is a pretty tough cookie critic. He can usually tell when something is different or meant to be healthy and his opinion of such things is generally negative. However, he LOVED these. He even asked me if there was anything “different” about these or if they were just the normal recipe. Meaning, of course, that he couldn’t tell! My mom gave cookies up for Lent but she said they looked perfect…and all that stuff. Sure, they could’ve just been being nice but as I said, my dad is usually pretty honest when it comes to this stuff.

What I thought: They were really good! The second tray probably could’ve used less time baking since they got a little hard—crispy—once they cooled. It is kind of hard to tell when they are done because you have to be very careful not to overcook them, yet no one wants a cookie that’s too raw inside. Everyone’s oven varies, but I found I needed to leave them in a little longer than the recipe stated. Just make sure you watch them like a hawk! It’s a good rule of thumb to take them out a bit before they look perfectly done because they will set more as they cool on the tray. The flavor was terrific and I didn’t taste the oat flour in them at all. As I said earlier, they were a little too thin…but the fact that they spread out while they baked did make them nice and big, which was fun. Next time I would like to experiment with adding more whole grain flour and trying to make them a little thicker. Other than that, I’d say we have a winner!

Speaking of winner, here’s a random fun fact: my mom once won the award for best chocolate chip cookie in our county at a local contest. Not that anyone really cares…but it’s kind of fun. :)

Another random fact: “25% of all cookies baked in the United States are chocolate chip cookies.” [Source]

I should be back with my usual depressing rants soon. :P

 
P.S. Giveaways here and here.
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“Seize the moment.  Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”  ~Erma Bombeck  [Hehe. You gotta love that. :D]

Holy. Happy. Healthy.

I came across a post on a blog recently in which the author shared an exercise on how to find what things you were most passionate about in your life. It surprised me a bit that both the author and so many of those who commented placed health as their number one priority in their life. I’m not saying this because I think that I am better than them or anyone else, but merely because it is an interesting observation. It also got me to thinking what I value in my own life. I couldn’t necessarily nail it down until today I heard a phrase from a book that just clicked with me. Somehow in a sentence it linked together these three qualities: holiness, happiness, and healthiness. Suddenly, I knew. That’s what matters to me. That’s what I want. And in that very specific order, too.The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

1. Holy: because, I believe, that union with God is the most important thing in the world. All else can fade away, but He alone will remain. It’s like that verse from Genesis 3:19 (yes, I had to look that up!) which the priest utters on Ash Wednesday as he crosses each person’s forehead with ashes: “Remember, man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.”

We can be in peak athletic shape, we can eat only the most nutritious foods, we can have wonderful families, a fabulous job, and make lots of money…but, in the end, we all are going to die. Now I don’t think that the soberness of death is the best reason to want to be holy—after all, this isn’t an insurance plan we’re talking about here—but it is at least a springboard for the soul to begin to question the purpose of life and what really matters. In other words, although Pascal's wager may be superficial, it’s provides a doorway of reason that faith can enter through. (If that makes any sense.) [P.S. My brother took this picture (left) of a poster on his college campus.]

I was reading another blog (different from the one I mentioned above) and, in response to a question, the author stated that she did not discuss faith, religion, or spirituality on her blog. This shocked me for a moment. A blog that claimed to be about holistic, healthy living, about finding one’s happiness, peace, and passion…yet God wasn’t in that picture? This just doesn’t make any sense to me at all. We are both spiritual and material creatures—and to skirt either element of our personhood is to deny our true nature and potential. Thus it makes discussing everything the blog stood for rather shallow…and utterly futile. Mind, Body, Soul? I don’t think so. Please don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for this blogger and I am grateful for the wonderful work she is doing. The glaring fact remains, however, that all attempts at discussing holistic health are in vain if one refuses to discuss the true essence of what makes us human—the fact that we are made in the image and likeness of God.

2. Happy: although holiness will ultimately make us happy (heaven), our experience  on earth may be one of trials and suffering. But that’s okay…for we always have the promise of eternity. Life is more than this place. Still, happiness is a luxury that all of us desire. And rightly so, for our hearts were made to be happy. God WANTS us to be happy. But real happiness only comes from him.

3. Healthy: we all want to be healthy. Even if we constantly deny it through our less than wholesome habits and tendencies. It is good for us to take care of our  bodies, to respect them as the temple of the Holy Spirit, and the vehicle in which to achieve our purpose. Yet, as I outlined above, holiness is definitely a higher task than this—for life on earth is really only very temporary. Likewise, I would rather be happy and sick that miserable and healthy. That is why this is number three on my list of values. It is important, but of a lesser degree than the others.

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Now, you may wonder…what about family, friends, helping others, etc. Well, think about it: I wouldn’t be holy, happy, or healthy unless the things that were necessary for those respective states to be achieved were fulfilled. So all the extraneous categories very neatly fit into the criteria for the above three priorities. Pretty slick, eh?

After surveying this list of values for my life, I’m propelled to consider whether or not my actions relay evidence of this hierarchy. It doesn’t take much thought for me to determine that they most definitely do not. And that’s the problem. Although my heart may be in the right place, what good are words and lists if I don’t walk the walk? But…sometimes it all seems so confusing to me. I know what I want, what is good. But how do I get there?

What are your three main values or priorities in your life? (Don’t worry, if you say health as number one I won’t judge you! :)) 

 
P.S. Giveaway alert!

• Elena is having a giveaway for Coconut Bliss Ice Cream. Yum!
• Food, Fotos, and Fun Zevia Giveaway
• Angela’s Bits Zevia Giveaway

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“He who has learned to pray has learned the greatest secret of a holy and happy life.” ~William Law

What Really Measures Health?

  
As I previously mentioned, Angela at Oh She Glows is having a  “Size Healthy Contest.” The purpose of this contest is to dispel the anxiety that many women experience in relation clothing sizes. It’s all about reclaiming control over that little number on the tag and celebrating health and happiness instead of stressing over what the label says.

This is all well and good. But…I am kind of participating half-heartedly. Because, the truth is, I don’t really feel like I am a size healthy. According to BMI numbers alone (but honestly, who actually believes that stuff anymore? I think it’s a bunch of nonsense.), I am in a “normal” weight range. But that doesn’t make me healthy. I don’t feel fit, energetic, or like I am even doing the best for my body. I don’t exercise (those plans lasted for a while…but have kind of fallen through, unfortunately). My diet is far from ideal—sure I eat lots of fruits and veggies, but I also frequently binge, consume way too much sugar, and succumb to mindless eating. I guess I’m more of a “size struggling.” Someday I hope all my food problems and other issues will pass—or at least get better—but for now, I’m just hanging on for dear life and trying to do whatever I can.

This is not to say I don’t worry about size. I do. I worry that I will get fat(ter). I worry that I’m already fat. I worry about all of that stuff. But it is more of a passive worry—constant but not pressing. Oftentimes I feel like a mere spectator on the sidelines of my life. I feel helpless to overcome or do anything about the issues that plague me. Years keep going by…things have changed a little…but not much. My situation really hasn’t differed, I guess I’ve just learned to live with it. I’ve learned that attempts at changing things often result in frustration…and it’s easier to just watch and wait. Thus I’ve just watched—caring, but almost not affected—as my weight fluctuates; my clothes feel tight…and then maybe looser somewhere down the road. Then tight again. For a while, I was afraid of buying new clothes because I thought I would either a) become HUGE and then nothing would fit or b) somehow lose weight and nothing would fit. Now I don’t really care. The only thing I feel like wearing most days is sweatpants….

****** We interrupt this pity party ******

Okay, I meant to do a nice post about size, positive body image, etc. But what is starting to happen here is me getting into my sensationalist “poor me” writing mode. It’s a beautiful release to write things like what I just wrote up above. But I realize that it sounds a wee bit depressing and—well—Debbie Downer~ish.

What I’m trying to say, in a nutshell, is being a certain size doesn’t mean you are healthy or unhealthy. Sure, we all know this. But do we? Would we be content to stay at our current size as long as we exercised, ate well, felt terrific, had enough energy, and lead fulfilling lives? Or is it better to have the physical finesse and figure of our dreams and not possess any of the above? Of course, BOTH ARE POSSIBLE (and most of the time they go together). It’s just something to think about. Health isn’t just about how one looks; it’s how you feel too. So while I don’t really consider myself to be healthy, it doesn’t mean I’m not on the road to health. Wow, this is getting confusing. How do you measure your health? How do you know when you are healthy? Do you know?

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Moving on…to applesauce!
My mom made this back in the fall.

It’s from apples off our own trees, right in our back front yard.
It doesn’t get much more local, organic, or natural than that.
The applesauce is delicious, too! I had some today (we froze some) and it is so sweet and flavorful. Pure apple goodness! I love the pink color that comes from the rosy-hued skins.
 
They were similar to these apples.
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It was so pretty out today.

The sun was just sparkling on the snow.

Formspring

I now have a Formspring account. Head on over and ask me anything (there is also a widget on the right side of the blog where you can type in your question.) My username is AskJustAudrey. I doubt anyone will actually ask me anything, but what the heck! It was fun to make. :D

P.S. Averie is having a giveaway for coconut peanut butter!
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“There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” ~Francis Bacon

Navigating the “Blahs”

Well hello, y’all. I didn’t really felt like posting today, but I guess I’m going to do it anyway. In truth, today I really didn’t feel like doing much of anything . I’ve just got the blues—you know, where life seems meaningless, everything seems duller-than-dull (and pointless to boot), and you’re unsure how the heck to get through it? Well if you don’t know that feeling, consider yourself lucky. It’s kind of weird how some days I just wake up feeling that way, and then other days it sometimes just hits me for no reason. Either way it’s not a welcome mood. Is it called depression? I don’t really want to throw out labels, but that seems like what one might be able to classify it as. In any case, how are we supposed to get through these moods? What is one to do when the thought of doing anything—or even not doing anything because that is something—sounds repulsive? There are three modes or activities that I habitually default to when faced with “the blahs.” Now I’m not saying these are good—just interesting fodder to examine.

EAT: Usually when I’m feeling [insert emotion here], I eat. That is probably no secret by now. Nor is it something I’m proud of and definitely something I want to get over. But still, that’s my issue. No matter how many times I have binged and regretted it, the prospect still presents itself as a viable route of alleviation for whatever ails me. Perhaps it is because a certain part of me doesn’t regret it. That devious undercurrent of my person thrives off the rush and the self-abasement that occurs with this most undesirable of habits. I think that little part of me might be considered a passion or a vice…or something like that. Maybe even like one of those conniving demons in The Screwtape Letters. Either way, it is certainly something that I want to root out, spray with Round-Up, drive over with a car, burn, and then bury. (Though I can only imagine that the smell of burning Round-Up can’t be very healthy, so  I might have to revise that procedure). If only I knew how. If only that vice were something so tangible as to physically destroy. That sounds ruthless, but doesn’t want have to be ruthless with vices? Okay, I’m starting to get off topic (if there ever was one) here; my point is, that’s one method I cope. And I think that we’ve established it as a bad way.

MOAN:  Basically this involves me finding my mom and proceeding to unload some (the ones I feel like sharing) of my complaints, depressing thoughts, frustrations, and uncertainties. I realize this all may sound strange—and perhaps that is only because I make it sound so formal—but it is actually a pretty natural thing: just me talking to my mom. Despite the fact that she sometimes falls asleep during this process of mental unraveling, she is usually quite open to being there to talk with me if I need it. I think she realizes that sometimes it’s better to get things out than to let them rot inside. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. It can drag me down by hearing all my own insecurities, or it can leave me feeling like I got it out there and now I can move on. I guess this experience is similar to the one I’ve had with therapy. In any case, I’m not sure if this is the best coping method…but it is one I often revert to. Regardless of whether or not it works every time, talking things through with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor can be helpful.

DISTRACT: This is where I just try to do something to get my mind off whatever is bothering me. Sometimes that even means attempting to concentrate on something other than trying to figure out what it is that’s bothering me! Some may consider this trying to escape the problem, but I would say that as long as the methods of distraction are safe, legal, moral, and nondestructive, that attempting to get out of the funk—so to speak—is probably an okay thing to do. Oftentimes a little relaxation can leave one renewed and ready to face the day again. Let me give some examples: reading a book, looking at a magazine, watching a movie or TV, listening to music, going for a walk, scrapbooking, drawing, creative writing, surfing the web, yoga, listening to podcasts, cleaning, knitting…whatever your hobbies are. Ideally it would be nice to do something productive and necessary…but sometimes it’s all one can do to just get by. And I think that’s okay.

There you have it: the three main ways I find myself coping. When I do these things it is not like I think to myself “engage coping methods now.” It’s really just the things, upon examination, that I realize I subconsciously revert to. I do these things because I don’t know what else to do…I probably need to learn some new and better methods to deal with things.

As I said, I don’t know if these are all healthy and good—I can certainly declare that the first one IS NOT. Let me repeat that just to make it clear: eating is not a good way to deal with emotional distress (nor is it good for anything else other than real, physical hunger). The other two methods are debatable, but I just wanted to clarify that first one. As a final note (sheesh, one has to be so careful with the disclaimers these days), I don’t want anyone to think that I’m presenting this as advice; it’s just my mental ramblings spelled out and isn’t meant to be interpreted as anything else. Savvy? I hope so. :D

So, maybe my day wasn’t that great. Maybe I don’t cope very well. But tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it is a better one.

By the way, I once wrote a slightly prettier, saner post about some coping after a binge. You may wish to check it out.

What methods do you use to cope or to get by when you are feeling blue or just having a bad day? Do you think they are good methods or bad?

 

P.S. Just a friendly reminder to enter my Glass Dharma giveaway if you haven’t already. Also, check out this giveaway.
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“Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.”  —Virginia Satir

Life’s Like An Hourglass, Glued to the Table

 Note: I typed this a couple hours ago but was unable to post until now due to technical difficulties.

I woke up at 4 p.m. today. That is embarrassing to write. The shameful thing is that it was still hard to get out of bed. Everyone was gone: Dad and the boys at school; Mom and the younger kids gone to setup the parish hall for the valentines couples’ dinner that the youth group is hosting tomorrow night. So it was just me. I awoke to the most beautiful day—the sun shone brilliantly,  streaming through the window and flooding my room with light as it sparkled off the beautiful piles of pure, clean snow.

I love winter. I used to hate it, but this year has been such a glorious one. I am so thankful for God showing his love to me in this way. He also shows me love in suffering. How could a person endure anything without faith? My faith is weak, albeit, but it still gives everything meaning—even when I don’t realize it.

 My day has gone like this so far: wake up, take a shower, make pancakes, do the dishes, open mail (exciting stuff! Another blessing!), write this. Why did I make pancakes? I’m not sure. I just felt like it. I shouldn’t be so hedonistic. They actually turned out very good, though. Better than my other recent attempts. I love them with blueberries and agave + maple syrup. But now I have syrup in my hair. How did that happen? It’s okay. Even though I probably consumed a week’s worth of sugar in this little food fest. Why doesn’t everyone make vegan pancakes? They are so much easier, more economical, and better…I think. But I am weird, remember? Maybe the world is just stuck in a rut. Like me in so many other areas. Still, if anyone cares for the recipe just shout and I will try to remember what I put in them. P.S. Not my picture. None of these are. I forgot to photograph the pancakes. It looked a lot like this image, though. I even put some pecans on top! Click on pic for source.

I need to go type this. So far I’ve filled up pages out of my notebook writing this. I sat down to do my math homework and this is what came out. I get distracted so easily. I think that is the reason school is so difficult for me. Well, that, and the fact that I am a perfectionist—just not a very good one. Haha. I was trying not to get onto the computer until after my homework was done, but I need to get this out. Sometimes all I want to do is read and write. Just not school, unfortunately—mostly blogs, that type of thing. Hopefully I can concentrate on intermediate algebra once I get this done.

My head kind of throbs ever so lightly—but nonetheless constantly. I think it’s from so much sugar first thing in the morning afternoon—well, right after I got up. The mere sound of my mom’s slippers shuffling across the wood floor in the adjacent room makes me want to scream. I actually asked her to take them off. She did. I feel like such a spoiled idiot. But I did not scream. I am writing this. She is so kind to me; I don’t deserve it.

Dad came home about a half hour ago and among other things—he commented that he wished I would’ve gone with Mom to help set things up at the hall. I did not have the guts to tell him that I was still sleeping when she left. He already thinks I’m lazy. I am, and I feel so guilty. I want to make him happy.

It’s almost completely dark outside as I write this. It’s only 6:15 p.m., too. I  wanted to get a walk in today but it’s not going to happen. I haven’t walked in over a week and I wanted to enjoy that lovely sunshine + snow today. Sometimes the fact that it was such a beautiful day makes me all the more distraught at having missed it. I missed another day. Perhaps it will be nice again tomorrow. Perhaps I will get up earlier then. Hopefully. I can’t believe I’ve only been up for two hours and other people have already had a full day’s work and are tired out. I wish I was an early bird.

My mom is making tacos as she talks to my sister on the phone. My mom is tired but she keeps going. Some people have a life to live. Someday soon I hope that I will, too. I think I will. This is only for a time. It’s not so bad, anyway. People suffer far worse. I am lucky. Blessed. If only I really believed that.

Cumin. My mom is using it right now and it smells so good. Definitely one of my favorite spices. Spices are so amazing, aren’t they?

Okay. I finally brought this over to my computer. Now I just have to type everything I wrote in my math notebook. Not that it really matters because I will probably move around sentences and paragraphs once I get it down so that it makes (a little) more sense. Because of that all chronological order will be lost. I am happy today that I can write. Some days I get this crazy writer’s block. This is effortless. How writing should be. Even if this is a pain to read and all. No one has to read it.

My mom said that we got an email today (I haven’t seen it) that one of the soldiers that my sister’s fiancé works with just died. He is an the army and currently serving in the middle east. I can’t even really comprehend that news. People are dying—giving their lives—and I am here…doing what? God rest his soul.

The boys will be home soon. I will look forward to seeing them. They are a lively bunch and add a lot to my life. Thank you, God, for them and all of my family. Who am I kidding that I will be able to go away to college next year?

Speaking of college, one of Eddie’s (my older brothers) friends Facebooked (is that a word?) me yesterday. Actually, I know her too. She wants me to come and spend a few nights at one of the colleges I’m considering. Both Eddie and she attend there…or is it “Eddie and her”? The grammar is probably wrong, but whatevs. Eddie has been trying to get me to come visit for a while. I want to—I think I’m going do it, too—it’s just kind of scary, you know? To go into the unknown. What will I do? What will I say? I don’t know how to deal with people. What will I eat? Is there any vegan food there? Even if I meet nice people I won’t know what to say. There is this barrier I have…will it be awkward because I don’t know Anna that well? What on earth will I wear? I live in sweats. I really don’t look presentable. If I was pretty maybe I would be more confident…will I like it?

This whole tirade probably is long and tedious. I know it is. Right now, I don’t even care if anyone reads it or not. That’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing to get it out. Because I need to.

I don’t mean to sound depressing. In my core, I’m not really “down” right now…just a bit frustrated, maybe. I don’t know. There are just some things I need to work out in my life, I guess. A lot of them actually. Like getting up earlier. Someday I will look back on this and it will amaze me…how far I’ve come.

Now I need to do my math.

 

P.S. The title of this post is inspired by this song. I like music. A lot.
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In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.  ~Albert Camus, Lyrical and Critical Essays

Silver Lining

Of course we all know that life isn’t perfect. But beyond the pain and drama of our problems, what hidden joys linger beneath the facade of another ordinary day?
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Although I often loathe the prospect of tackling the dishes, something must be said for the almost therapeutic nature of plunging one’s arms into the bath of warm, frothy suds necessary to do them. Anything to warm up on a chilly February day, right?

Speaking of cold and blustery winter weather…even though the frigidness gets old fast, I kind of enjoy the snow sometimes. There is something about remaining all warm and cozy in one’s own home; peering out the window as flakes cover the world in a fluffy layer of white; watching as dusk ensconces the landscape in a quiet blue light—both mysterious and reassuring. See, I told you (in the “About Me” panel to the right) that I was a romantic at heart.

Darkness. I love it. I am no midnight dancer, but there is something lovely about the night time. I used to be afraid of the dark when I was little. The shadows still sometimes frighten me, but—as long as I am inside—most of the time the blackness makes me feel safe. Safe under a pile of downy blankets. Safe in the obscurity and protection. Safe in my room. Safe and warm. It’s quiet—peaceful—and I can think. Sometimes being an insomniac isn’t so bad. Well, I’m not really an insomniac, but I do go to bed late…and sometimes it takes me a long time to fall asleep. I just try to embrace it when I can…fighting it only makes me more anxious.

No yoga last night. On account of it being a snow day—plus the fact that the roads weren’t very good—my dad didn’t think it was wise to risk it. It was a little bit of a bummer—I could’ve used the stretch and relaxation as I feel rather tight and stiff—but I was kind of delighted to just sit at home and not have to go anywhere. Because we all know my life is sooo busy (*she says sarcastically*). Something about a snow day just makes you want to stay in.

Math isn't my thing. And that’s kind of an understatement. But so far I’m doing okay in the intermediate algebra class I’m taking at the community college. It helps a lot to have a tutor. The term “tutor” sounds fancy, but she’s really just a good friend of ours that used to be a math teacher. She’s so talented with teaching it, too. Some people just have a knack for presenting things in a very understandable an manner. I’m really blessed to have had her help; without it I probably would’ve never gotten past third grade math. Really.

Even if I don’t have Barney Butter or an equally delicious and fancy nut butter, I can still make quite a tasty treat inspired by one.  All it takes is some sprouted grain bread (Ezekiel bread) which  I toasted, spread with natural peanut butter, and generously drizzled with maple syrup. Maple syrup…mmm. I could drink that stuff. Funny, too, because I put off buying it for the longest time because it is so darn expensive. But now that I’ve fully experienced it, I can honestly say that it was worth every red cent. It now ranks right up there with kale chips—definitely one of my favorite foods. (Speaking of kale, the only grocer I knew of that carried organic kale stopped doing so. I was in shock. I LOVE kale!! How could they do this to me?  I know I could buy conventional but since I like to eat it a lot, I thought it would be better to get organic. Now I’ll either have to order it online or pray that it suddenly reappears in the produce section. I’m desperately hoping for the latter.)

…

There’s my little could-be-bad-things-that-are-kinda-good list. What’s yours? Or, in other words…

“What’s your  silver lining?” Have you experienced any “hard candy with a surprise center” today? (Yes, those are both musical references. Not a huge Katy Perry fan, but I kind of love that candy analogy.)

Have a beautiful day!

[I wish I would’ve thought to take pictures to accompany this post. I always think stock art feels so cold. I’m a very visual person, though, so to me it is better than nothing. As with all outside images I use, click on it for the source.]
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Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.  ~Author Unknown  (love it!)

Internal Conflicts

Since it is that time of year for face-offs—be it the Superbowl or the Oscars—it seems like it’s an appropriate opportunity to explore some of the conflicts that linger inside us.  I know that we all have them, and not all of these are bad, either. After all, it is the quiet nudging of conscience that spurs us to make the right decisions, and the shedding of our selfish human tendencies that allows us to achieve a higher union with God. In fact, I would argue that most of these little battles inside us are good and beneficial—even the ones that hurt or cause discomfort—because they force us to grow and remain balanced. It’s kind of the whole ying and yang thing, I suppose. Yet knowing that doesn’t make them any more enjoyable.

What internal conflicts do you face? I think it is a good question to ask ourselves periodically because it is all too easy to either remain stagnant in our mindset and problems or to not realize that something is going on in the first place.

As you most likely know, one of the major battles in my life right now is my disordered eating and thoughts. Sometimes it is difficult for me to discern whether it is these humps or me who is really living my life. While it is frustrating—to say the least—to deal with these, I try (key word: try) as much as I can to remain open and gentle with these issues. I know that they, too, will pass and are merely hurdles for me to overcome. Needless to say, this is easier at some times than others, but even if it is a lifelong journey for me, I can only hope that God gives me the grace to endure and persevere. Because frankly, there are times when I feel like doing neither.

In relation to my eating disorder, one of the main conflicts I feel is—rather obviously—about food. My relationship with it can be divided into two distinct camps: on one hand there is all the enjoyment I get our of creating new dishes and from nourishing my body; food isn’t everything, but I really do enjoy it. Quite on the opposite side of the spectrum is the part of me that still clings to the binging and disordered patterns. It feels that eating will numb all of my pain and emotion and pretty much just make everything better. Of course I know that this is not true but it doesn’t stop me from falling into these old habits time and time again. It is a tough situation. One that is made all the more painful by the fact that I like food—I don’t want to fight it. Why CAN’T I just enjoy food without all the baggage and overeating that attaches itself to this innocent little necessity?

It is like Ed is always there fighting against me every step of the way as I—Audrey—just try to get by and learn to live. That’s the whole crux of the battle, really. (I’ve written a before about the concept of treating one’s eating disorder as a “person” named Ed—an acronym of eating disorder—so I hope that when I do that it does not seem strange or crazy.)

So that is one of my main internal conflicts right now, the one between Ed and Audrey. Returning to what I talked about in the beginning of this post, what could God possibly have planned for me through all of this? I know it is an opportunity to grow and to become a better person, but I don’t know how. Sometimes it just gets so difficult to be dealing with this burden day after day and not seeing any end in sight. But I have to have hope.

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Thank you all for your lovely and kind comments on my Friendship post. I didn’t mean to incite a pity party—though I guess it kind of sounded like that. I know that if God sees it fit for me to have friends, he will send the right people into my life. Maybe he really just wants me to grow more personally right now? Or to enjoy the time with my family before I go away to college? Whatever it is, I’m sure he has something wonderful planned. Even if I don’t always feel this plan, it’s not like I’m really sitting around crying all the time for friends, either. I have made a few friends and acquaintances through blogging, and I am very thankful for these new and budding  friendships. : )

Lastly, I would also like to say thanks to all of you who entered the giveaway—both new and old readers alike. If you haven’t done so already, feel free to enter here for a chance to win a $25 gift certificate to Glass Dharma, maker of beautiful handmade glass straws. They are a perfect way to add elegance to your day; I have had a lot of fun so far using mine.

Hopefully, this whole muddled ramble is at least semi-understandable. Maybe I am getting too heavy and personal? Who knows. Then again, who cares? : )

 

P.S. Giveaway alert for a Yogurt maker giveaway and Pure2Raw Valentine’s Day Giveaway and Raw and Spicy Giveaway and Sweet Earth Vegan Chocolate Giveaway

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Life's problems wouldn't be called "hurdles" if there wasn't a way to get over them.  ~Author Unknown

Friendship

Growing up in a family of nine kids you wouldn’t think that I would have any  reason to be lonely…but somehow I always was. Every since I was little I always wanted friends. My only sister (at that time) was five years older than me, I was homeschooled, and we lived in the middle of nowhere. Admittedly, my prospects weren’t good. Don’t get me wrong: I love my family. They are incredibly fun people to hang around with and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Yet, still, a certain part of me still longed to be accepted by those outside of my close-knit family.

I tried having an imaginary friend, but that didn’t last too long. I guess I wasn’t imaginative enough.

Dolls were my friends. I would live my life through the dramatic plots I would act out with them. But eventually I out of grew that.

I would make up stories about girls living  fun, lively, active lives. But those usually got pushed to the wayside once I started the first chapter.

I longed to have a best friend like I read about in all my favorite series. Books were my friends for a while. I would escape in the pages of thick novels, jaunting off to foreign places, solving mysteries, having adventures, and growing up. Still, while reading was wonderful, it wasn’t real.

My older sister used to be a dear confidant and companion of mine. Sure, we  fought sometimes like siblings do, but I loved and looked up to her more than I realized then. But I knew when she left at age 14 to go away to boarding school. I cried my heart out for months without her.

The only real friends I ever had outside of my immediate family were my dear cousins. I loved spending time with them and we had so much fun! But, alas, they lived several hours away and I would only see them a few times a year.

I used to dream about the day when I would have real friends. Maybe in high school or at least in college. I would even see the neighbor girl and wonder if we could be friends. No, we were too different. Would I ever find someone who I could really relate with? Who would understand me?

Thus my life evolved into a mere series of acquaintances. I never resonated with anyone on a deep level. Even if I did, I didn’t know how to act with people. How to make friends. By nature a flighty and imaginative introvert, I didn’t know what to say or do.

In my tweens and teens I got very involved in a girls leadership club. I loved everything about this group, but around me there were not many girls that I connected with: they were either too old or too young or too this or too that. Or maybe I was just too picky? But I guess you can’t force friendship; it has to happen.

Around this time I met Ed. Ed as in Eating Disorder. He seemed like a good friend. Finally! I had someone to rely on, to trust, to believe in me. To make me strong and smart and funny and popular. Ed knew how.

Not surprisingly, shortly thereafter when I went away to boarding school—which I had dreamed of for years—I still didn’t really make many friends. This time it was mostly because Ed had distanced me from them. Or maybe, I just wasn’t the type for making friends. Maybe I didn’t know how to be a friend. Maybe I just wasn’t very much fun. Maybe Ed wanted it that way.

When I came home from boarding school  because of Ed, I didn’t really think about friends for a while. He still convinced me that he was my friend. And I believed him. I don’t think loneliness was the main reason for the onset and proliferation of my eating disorder. I don’t know if there is any way to know. But one can’t help but wonder if it played a part—if even a small role.

Fast-forward a couple years later: now. I still, for the most part, am friendless. Sometimes I even question if I really want friends—I wouldn’t know what to do and they’re so high-maintenance, right? Plus, I had talking on the phone…and isn’t that what friends do? Maybe I’m so afraid of what people think of me that I’m scared to be myself?

Deep-down I still must want friends, though, because that is one of the reasons I started this blog. I yearned for connection. Something outside the walls of my bedroom, where I spend the majority of my time. Maybe that desire is not so deep-down.

My mom still assures me that I will have friends someday. She tells me that I am witty and kind and fun to be with. That’s what she says. Still, all through my life she has probably always been my best friend. At 18, is it weird to have your mom as your best friend?

Sometimes I think that I take my family for granted. They truly are my friends. Everyone from my big and little brothers to my big and little sisters. In them, I have so much more than many people. Through all my crazy moods and weirdness, they’ve been there and they still love me. I depend on them so much. In all my seeking of friends have I overlooked the dear people that live in my very own house? Is it wrong to still want ‘outside’ friends?

Today, my friends are mostly in movies and old TV shows. But then it makes me sad to know that those people aren’t really real. Can I ever make friends like them? Will I ever be happy with someone? Especially—dare I say it—a husband? Is there anyone in this world who would ever understand me? Really?

I know first of all, I have to be steadfast in who and what I am. But can others not help us on the journey, sometimes? Still, one should not enter friendship selfishly, only seeking what she will get out of it. But is it okay to want friends? Isn’t and shouldn’t Jesus be my best friend? He should be. Perhaps I don’t know him enough. But how? …And is it wrong to enjoy the companionship of others?

Who is your best friend and how did you meet? What are your thoughts on friendship?

Giveaways here, here, here, oh…and this: "Pull up a stool to the ice cream counter in your own home. Check out the great giveaway at The Creative Side of Me" <—I was supposed to post that. LOL.

 *Be sure and enter my giveaway, if you have not done so already!*

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“If you want friends, you first have to be a friend.” –not sure who said this, but I’ve heard it before. : )

Glass Dharma Straws GIVEAWAY!

____________This contest is now closed_____________

**March 9, 2010 update**

The winner is…

 
Comment number 173, which is…

 

CONGRATULATIONS, IKKINLALA! Glass Dharma should be contacting you shortly. I hope you have fun shopping and using their beautiful products. :)

Thank you all for entering. I always feel so disappointed when I don’t win a contest that I was hoping to, so I know how many of you must feel.  Even if it’s just a silly little giveaway, it can be kind of disappointing. I wish everyone could win!

Remember, you can still enter my Zevia giveaway, which has 3 winners! But hurry, it ends on March 15. (I realize this giveaway was a little too long—but, hey, is was my first one…I’m just learning the ropes.)
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Okay, I am pretty much stoked out of my mind about this news: the generous people at Glass Dharma have offered the chance for one lucky reader to win a $25 coupon code to shop on their online store! That’s right. I’m having a giveaway!!!

So, what is Glass Dharma? Two words: glass straws. This company makes the most beautiful, elegant beverage accompaniments you can imagine. Maybe it’s just because of my love of all things retro, but from the minute I heard about these darling little works of art I was smitten.  In my mind the only thing better than a green smoothie is a green smoothie with a straw this lovely. They kindly sent me three of them to review, and so far I AM LOVING THEM!

Perhaps I seem to be getting a little too excited about drinking straws. Well you’ll get excited too once you learn a little more about them:

• All of their products are made in USA!
• Their straws are non-porous and hypoallergenic
• All straws are handmade from borosilicate glass—the strongest type of commercially available glass on the market.
• If you accidentally damage or break your straw, they will repair or replace it for free!
• Straws are safe to use in both hot and cold liquids
• They are microwave and dishwasher safe
• To learn more about Glass Dharma visit their FAQ page

In case you’re still not convinced that you need a glass straw, let me give you a few reasons:

• They are incredibly eco-friendly (never throw away a straw again!) 
• Drinking from a straw helps protect your teeth from corrosion
• No more nasty chemicals from plastics leaching into your beverage
• They are gorgeous works of art. ‘Nuff said.

How to Enter

So now, here’s how you can enter to win that $25 gift certificate. In fact, here are 11 ways! Remember to leave a separate comment for each entry. Also, leave a link when applicable (e.g., Twitter, blog, etc.).

1. Check out the Glass Dharma site then come back here and leave a comment on this post about what you would like to get if you win. Or just leave a comment. : )

2. Follow this blog using Google Friend Connect (see box in the right sidebar under “Labels” and just above “Blog Archive”). Be sure to select “Follow Publicly”

3. Follow me on Twitter 

4. Tweet about this giveaway on Twitter or on Facebook (be sure to leave a link)

5. Follow Glass Dharma on Twitter

6. Become a fan of Glass Dharma on Facebook

7. Blog about this giveaway on your blog (be sure to leave a link)

8. Add my blog to your blogroll (be sure to leave a link)

9. Visit my post on natural beauty products and leave a comment there. Be sure to come back and leave a comment here letting me know that you did that.

10. Visit my post “What Constitutes a Long and Fulfilling Life?” and leave a comment there. Be sure to come back and leave a comment here letting me know that you did that.

11. Follow my blog in Google Reader

Obviously, you don’t have to do all of these…but you can if you want! Each method will gain you one additional entry.

Winner will be selected randomly.

I will let the winner know through email and then Glass Dharma will send that lucky person the code.

**Giveaway open only to residents of the United States and Canada**

 CONTEST ENDS MARCH 8, 2010

Good luck, everyone!

 

Disclaimer: The straws I mentioned in this post were given to me free of charge for the purpose of reviewing on this blog.