Just Audrey: Just Get Through the Day

That mantra has been running through my mind a lot lately. It is definitely where I’m at right now! If I can manage to just make it through without any real downs, I’m okay with that (for now).

Okay… as I alluded to in my last post, I realize I have not been blogging regularly. I know that’s really not a good way to run a blog, but I try to keep this a fun thing. If I feel obligated to post I just start getting stressed out. That probably sounds kind of silly, but I try not to blog just because of followers or page views. I try to do it because it is something enjoyable in which I can share my interests and have a little creative outlet.

Since the last time I gave an update, not much has changed…but quite a lot has happened (if that makes sense). I went away to college in August. I was very scared, and I came home after lasting about a month. It was hard to come home because I felt like such a failure. I kept fighting it and trying to make things work but I knew that there was no way it could. In retrospect, I know it was the right decision. I am grateful for the time I had there and I have absolutely no desire to go back. I tried to do a distance-correspondence course from home, but found even that too difficult. Enter the trying-to-just-get-through-the-day-however-I-can mode. It’s been that way since about October. Nothing going, no motivation. Just trying to live (as the title of this post alludes to).

So what have I done? I’ve slept. And tried to sleep. I’ve talked some to my family. Read blogs. Cooked a lot (trying new recipes and ingredients is one of the few things I enjoy. I am very grateful for that creative diversion). Watched movies. Read books, a little…when I can. Gone to weekly Mass. Bi-weekly confession. A therapy session every week or few weeks. In short, it’s been rather dull. But as long as I have enough to keep me interested and busy, I am able to try to keep on living. It’s just in the dark moments when interest in ANYTHING ceases that I really despair and panic. Hopefully those will be fewer and less frequent, though (must ~~try to~~ stay positive, right?).

In December, I started going to a psychiatrist again, after taking some time off of prescription medications. Since around 2007, I’ve been on five different types (not all at once!) of anti-depressants/mood-enhancers/whatever-they’re-called drugs and am currently on my sixth. It’s frustrating to try so many and notice NO change whatsoever. But I keep going to my appointments. I also started counseling up again several months ago. It is really frustrating because I just don’t feel like I am connecting or getting anywhere. Again, I’ve been to a lot of different counselors. Some were better than others but just too far away. The one I am going to now is fairly close, which is nice, and it gets me out of the house. Honestly, I think I get more out of just going somewhere than the actually counseling session.

We are also looking into some other things that may contribute to depression. There are so many things that it could be: a gluten intolerance (somehow that can affect mood), a thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency (I had blood work done in the summer and everything was fine except for a lack of vitamin D. Which is understandable since I rarely go out in the sun—bad, I know. I’m going to try and do better this summer. I also now take a supplement for that.) It could even be a hormone problem. I am currently trying to make an appointment with a doctor to check that last one out.

My family is really so kind through everything. I don’t know what I would do without them, especially my mom. I shudder to think of the aloneness I would feel if I didn’t have them. I am truly blessed in so many ways. That just makes it more frustrating, though. Why, if I have so much going for me, do I have this problem? It makes me feel very guilty. There are people all over the world who don’t have half of what I do, yet here I am in the lap of luxury having a lack of will to live? It doesn’t really make sense. In my clearer moments, though, I try to believe that God has a plan for all of this. I know He does. I don’t think that we can ever really understand suffering (I almost feel bad calling it that because I know that so many others suffer much more than I do), but I try to offer it up, and to love Jesus even when I don’t feel anything.

I’m sorry if this post was a bit depressive in itself. I don’t want to be a Debbie-downer. : ) It feels very good to write all of this down, though.

I will be back soon with some posts and reviews that are hopefully more chipper. : )

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"Our hearts are like stone, and only suffering carves them into bowls large enough to catch the joy."