Hi! I hope everyone is having a very lovely summer. We have had really nice weather for the most part this month and I am loving it—June is one of my favorite months! :)
I can’t believe I am going to be turning 20 soon. Totally not ready. After my 16 birthday or so I started feeling not ready to move on to the next year…basically because I did not accomplish anything tangible in the previous 365 days. If I was in college, had a job, doing sane-normal-20-year-old things I think I would be okay with getting older. But as is, I’m not moving forward (it seems). Only the clock is. And it’s a horrible feeling to feel like I’m wasting my life.
Waiting is so hard. Waiting to feel better, waiting to be better. Waiting. I am not patient.
^Linda Darnell^. I really love screencaps. Expect to see more of them.
I’m really, really, really, REALLY (etc.) tired of having this…this ‘thing’. I am SO ready to move on. This past month was actually a lot better. It was a good month were I was really doing a lot of stuff to try to get myself feeling better. I was exercising, going to sleep at a more normal time, eating super healthy, etc. And I was feeling better. In fact, I was actually thinking about writing a blog post on what I was doing that was helping me and how much more confident/in control I felt…yaddy-yadda-ya. But after about 30 days of avid self-improvement, something cracked and I found myself reverting to a lot of my old destructive and frustrating behaviors.
Despite all my attempts to get back up and keep going, I don’t seem to be able to. I’m back to groveling and surviving rather than improving. And there are few things worse than knowing what one should do but not being able to do it. I can deal with failure, discouragement, and set-backs as long as I plan how to get back up and keep going. But when that motivation evaporates, when I am unable to apply myself…I don’t know what to do. It came so totally out-of-the-blue. Do I only have so much willpower? Did I just use my quota up for awhile? Why does my body work against me this way? To not be able to change is really hard. It feels like there is no hope. But I guess I should not be relying on myself so much for hope. I should just trust in God. But meanwhile, time is ticking.
Story of my life, Alice.
Okay, well, I hope this post wasn’t too depressing. I don’t like writing a lot of depressing posts, and I don’t think that they are much fun to read either. It’s not like I want everyone feeling sorry for me, but it’s just nice to sort things out sometimes, you know? I really hope that someday I can just write a lot of happy, bubbly, joyous posts. But, hey, at least I haven’t been really, really down lately.
I should be back tomorrow for 7 Friday Quick Takes.
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“When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.” – Pollyanna (1960)
8 comments:
Hi there,
I completely agree with this post! I feel the same way...turning 20 in a couple of weeks and am so scared. I thought that by the age of twenty things would be better and recovery would be easier...hugs for the road ahead. xoxo
Thanks, Andrea! Same to you.
Going over to check out your blog now! :)
Dear Audrey,
I've stumbled upon your blog a couple of weeks ago and I've read most of your archives (a bit stalker-ish, I know...). What you're writing about is extremely interesting. You seem to me like a courageous young woman, a brave soul, and the kind of friend I'd like to have. I've never experienced an eating disorder, but I've lived through some tough times, and I found myself in a lot of the emotions that you were describing.
When I was little, Peter Pan was one of my favourite movies. According to my mom, I watched it over and over again. Well, a few days ago, I found a song on MySpace. It's called "Wendy (Can You Hear Me Peter Pan)". Here's the link so you can listen to it: http://www.myspace.com/tenillesings
Hope you'll like it! :)
Please forgive me for the grammar and/or spelling mistakes... I'm a French-speaking young lady still improving in English!
Thank you for sharing your writing talent and your taste in movies (I also read Fedoras and High Heels) with your readers!
Love from Canada,
Frédérique
Hi, Frederique. So nice to 'meet' you! I'm flattered that you find this blog interesting enough to read back-posts (I don't find that stalker-ish at all!). I do enjoy writing here, and I'm glad that you find it worth your time. :) I hope that you are doing better from your hardships now!
Thanks for the link to that song. I enjoyed listening to it. I think Peter Pan captures part of that magic of childhood and perhaps that is why so many people enjoy the story. Have you seen the film *Finding Neverland*? It was a beautiful film made a few years ago that tells the background story of the author of Peter Pan.
No apologies necessary--your English is perfect!
Thank you again for stopping by. It is always such a delight to meet a 'kindred spirit'. I hope you keep visiting...and if you have a blog I would love to read it!
Audrey, I like the revamped blog look!
Where did you get those screen captures? Those seem to fit so well, especially the Alice in Wonderland one. Often I will find myself speaking encouragement to my friends, and stop short when with the thought, "If I know this, why don't I live like I believe it?"
I'm going to read your newer posts...
So good to hear from you, Alisha! Thanks for your compliments on the blog
layout. I'm still working out the kinks--it's not quite perfect yet.
Unfortunately, I'm not too tech-savvy, though!
I know, aren't those some great screen caps? I should've linked to where I
got them from, but I just saved the picture without a source. I know it was
on Tumblr, though. It might have been this site:
http://wonderlandcaps.tumblr.com/
Ah, tumblr. haven't really ventured into that site much. Not tech-savvy? I'd
say you are!
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Well, thanks! I do my best but I certainly have A LOT to learn. :D
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