Hi! I hope everyone is having a very lovely summer. We have had really nice weather for the most part this month and I am loving it—June is one of my favorite months! :)
I can’t believe I am going to be turning 20 soon. Totally not ready. After my 16 birthday or so I started feeling not ready to move on to the next year…basically because I did not accomplish anything tangible in the previous 365 days. If I was in college, had a job, doing sane-normal-20-year-old things I think I would be okay with getting older. But as is, I’m not moving forward (it seems). Only the clock is. And it’s a horrible feeling to feel like I’m wasting my life.
Waiting is so hard. Waiting to feel better, waiting to be better. Waiting. I am not patient.
I’m really, really, really, REALLY (etc.) tired of having this…this ‘thing’. I am SO ready to move on. This past month was actually a lot better. It was a good month were I was really doing a lot of stuff to try to get myself feeling better. I was exercising, going to sleep at a more normal time, eating super healthy, etc. And I was feeling better. In fact, I was actually thinking about writing a blog post on what I was doing that was helping me and how much more confident/in control I felt…yaddy-yadda-ya. But after about 30 days of avid self-improvement, something cracked and I found myself reverting to a lot of my old destructive and frustrating behaviors.
Despite all my attempts to get back up and keep going, I don’t seem to be able to. I’m back to groveling and surviving rather than improving. And there are few things worse than knowing what one should do but not being able to do it. I can deal with failure, discouragement, and set-backs as long as I plan how to get back up and keep going. But when that motivation evaporates, when I am unable to apply myself…I don’t know what to do. It came so totally out-of-the-blue. Do I only have so much willpower? Did I just use my quota up for awhile? Why does my body work against me this way? To not be able to change is really hard. It feels like there is no hope. But I guess I should not be relying on myself so much for hope. I should just trust in God. But meanwhile, time is ticking.
Okay, well, I hope this post wasn’t too depressing. I don’t like writing a lot of depressing posts, and I don’t think that they are much fun to read either. It’s not like I want everyone feeling sorry for me, but it’s just nice to sort things out sometimes, you know? I really hope that someday I can just write a lot of happy, bubbly, joyous posts. But, hey, at least I haven’t been really, really down lately.
I should be back tomorrow for 7 Friday Quick Takes.