It’s hot as Hades here and there’s no sign of it letting up. Tomorrow is supposed to have a high of 93. That might not sound bad to some of you, but I’m a Northern girl, used to long snowy winters. To put it lightly, I do not do well in the heat. I think they need to have a medical term for ‘suicidally hot’, because that’s basically how I’ve felt over the past few days. We don’t have air conditioning, and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Tomorrow I’m hoping to escape for awhile to the library where it is COOL. But…I don’t drive so that means finding someone to take me. I think my mom might. My will to live is pretty much zapped at this point. I’m trying to take refuge in our basement—and that does help a little—but I still feel pretty down (um, no pun intended?).
Most of all I feel tired. I just can’t deal with anything. Every little hardship or inconvenience just makes me want to cry. Life is so hard, and I KNOW—my rational brain knows—that as far as hardships go I have it pretty easy. I have it very good, in fact. So why does it have to feel so darn hard? It just makes me feel guiltier for feeling this way and that makes me feel worse.
I’m tired of writing depressing posts like this. I don’t like reading this type of thing myself, so I’m not sure why I write them. I guess I have to get it out somehow—when it gets to the point that I feel like the pressure inside of me is just going to burst; when every noise and aggravation feels like it’s pounding on my head, scrambling up my nerves. Right now my brothers are, for some reason, pounding their feet on the hall above me. It’s grating on what little sanity I have left, and I can no longer contain the sobs welling up inside of me.
I’m tired of not being the person I want to be. This isn’t me. The real me is very different, or so I would believe. I feel like any potential I have (or once had) is stifled. I don’t know where it went, but it feels very gone.
I’m tired of not being witty, or smart, or pretty, or good at anything. Some things I used to be, but I’m not anymore: I used to be happy. I used to feel like my life had direction. I used to have a lot of hope and anticipation for the future. I used to be a good student. I used to be thin. I’m not really sure what I am anymore. Even if I want to do something, sometimes the thought or effort of it makes me body ache and my head feel like it’s going to explode. Really. For example, I want to read great books, or even not great books…just books that are a little heavier in subject matter. So I pick a topic I’m interested in—there are so many things I wish I knew more about—but I can’t seem to understand anything. The words just swim before me on the page. This is why I came home from college. It makes studying rather impossible.
I’m tired of feeling like this blog is not good enough. I didn’t like the layout, so I changed it. But there are so many things I don’t know how to do that even after spending many frustrating hours on it, it’s still not perfect. I wish I knew more about this kind of thing. I just flounder, really. Plus, I took a peak at my archives today and they seem to be formatted weird now because of the new design. I also am embarrassed and annoyed at some of my own posts. It’s hard to describe just what I dislike, but I feel so very critical.
I’m tired of going to doctors that aren’t able to help me. I’m tired of just going in and being handed a new prescription (I’m soon to start my seventh medication—if I counted right; I’m actually starting to lose track). Why can’t anyone help me? Four (or is it five?) years seems like a long time to figure this out. And I’m not getting any younger. Isn’t this supposed to be the prime of my life and all that?
There are a lot more things I’m tired of—our slow Internet, worrying about everything, living on a farm, how dirty everything seems (I actually think I’m getting progressively more OCD as the years go on. But that’s another topic for another day)—but I had better stop here.
If anyone even reads this, I’m really sorry that it’s not happy and cheerful. I’m sorry for sounding like this. I want to be better and I hope someday soon I can feel that way. I hope I can look back on posts like this and say “wow, I felt that bad?”. I’m just really frustrated right now.
Praying for a cool spell,
P.S. I just checked the weather (for like the sixth time today) it looks like it may cool down a bit next week. Praise God!
“What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.” –Victor Frankl