7 Quick Takes Friday – 4/29/11

I’ve been seeing “7 Quick Takes Friday” around certain sites. It seems the idea originated from Conversion Diary. Here are my rather spur-of-the-moment ‘takes’…
 
1. Betsy-Tacy: I recently reread all of the young adult books in the Betsy-Tacy series (Heaven to Betsy through Betsy’s Wedding) and I think I loved them even more than I did when I first read them almost a decade ago.  Harper Collins republished this half of the series a few years ago, and while I love that they did so, I do wish they had published each book separately instead of doubling them up. I also could’ve done without the awful foreword by Anna Quindlen in some of the books. But, on the positive side, I love the covers and the fact that they included the extra info + photos at the end. Honestly, my love for this series knows no bounds. It’s just wonderful to escape into the small town world of Betsy, her family, and the Crowd.  If you are a fan of the Little House books, the Anne of Green Gables books, the All of a Kind Family books or other series in that vein, I know you would love these.

2. The Royal Wedding. I didn’t actually watch it but I’ve seen pictures. It looked lovely and I hope that the couple is very happy together. Didn’t Kate look beautiful? As many have pointed out, her dress was very similar to one worn by Princess Grace Kelly at her wedding.
                                                                              [Image from here]

I would’ve done the bodice differently on Kate’s dress, but I love its classic simplicity. I hope that she brings sleeves on wedding dresses back into style. Most importantly, though, may the Duke and Duchess enjoy a long and happy marriage in service to God and their country. :)

3. Wisdom Teeth: In much less exciting news, on Tuesday I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. I’m still recovering and trying to eat lots of smoothies and other soft things! Hopefully I will be feeling better and back on track soon. I’m just relieved it’s OVER. Ever since the surgery I’ve been having horrible headaches, though. I don’t mean to gripe but I do hope I feel better soon. I don’t know how much longer I can take the pain…and not being able to sleep and have relief from it just makes it worse.

4. John Paul II’s Beatification: It’s hard to believe that his beatification is this Sunday! I greatly admire the late Holy Father, and am proud to have been part of the JPII generation. His example of faith, kindness, and courage continues to inspire me.

5. Article about saints:  I sometimes have a hard time relating to some of the saints. Let’s face it, some of them just seem really strange! I always felt like I must be missing something, so it was nice to read Simcha Fisher’s post on how not all saints appeal to us, and that’s okay. (Not sure if I described that well—just read the article). :)

6.  ProBar is hosting a promo for readers of this blog that gives 40% off your first order. Visit www.theprobar.com/shop and enter code BLOGGER at checkout. I’ve not tried their products, but they sound fun. If all goes well, I hope to do a review of some of them soon. It looks like they offer a line each of whole food bars, superfood bars, and ‘treat’ bars. You find out more here.
 
7. Easter lilies: my mom bought one a week or so ago and it smells intoxicatingly wonderful. That is all. ;)

Okay, I feel like those were basically just my awkward ramblings, but it was fun to do. I hope that this becomes a regular feature on here. I’ll keep my eyes open this week for things that catch my interest.

Have a great weekend!

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"To live without faith, without a patrimony to defend, without a steady struggle for truth, that is not living, but existing." 
                                                                                         –Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati

“Smile, though your heart is aching”

I absolutely love the song “Smile” sung by Nat King Cole (who has one of the most wonderful voices ever, by the way). The lyrics to the song are inspired and Cole has the most perfect way of giving extra meaning to them. This song is also extra special because it was written by none other than the multi-talented Charlie Chaplin, whose birthday was just a few days ago.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

[instrumental interlude]

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

*Cue crying*

Another day

Thank you for all of the very kind comments you left in my last post. I really can’t say enough how much they meant to me…and how much they helped. ;’)

Some day I hope I can get on here and write “wow, I feel SO much better. My life is really great right now. I never knew that I could be this happy!” I recently read a blog where the author said something about how happy she was right now. That was such a nice reminder—happiness does exist, and I’m really glad that people do feel that way. Hopefully, someday I can feel that happiness, too.  I’m not saying I have to be laughing and swinging from the chandeliers all the time. I guess I just mean ‘content’. Yes, content. That warm, quiet peace inside. That no matter how much the surface gets ruffled, there is still that imperturbable core of serenity. That’s what I want.

Photo; quote (please forgive my rather crumby compilation of the two…)

Today—praise God—was much better. (Though my eyes are still a little red from all the crying I did yesterday. But I’m just glad I am able to cry—it’s such a good release. I have had times where it’s been almost frustrating because I felt so sad inside but all I could do was sit there, with no way to let that emotion out. So tears can be good, in a way.)

It’s difficult with this type of thing to sort out what is my fault and what may be biological or biochemical. I don’t want to be the kind of person who is always blaming everyone but me. But I also don’t want to be too hard on myself. :) Yesterday, I think I might have come off as a little mean to my parents, counselor, and psychiatrist. Really, they are all very caring people. I think perhaps, like me, they just don’t know how to deal with this. I understand that it must be frustrating for them, too.

I’m very grateful to have parents that care about me, even if they don’t always understand. I guess no one can really ever fully understand, but I also think it would be nice to develop a support group outside of my family that I could reach out to when I am feeling low. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to me and reassure me that I am going to be okay and that am still a valuable person, even if I am feeling very bad at the moment. As corny as it sounds, just knowing someone cares—really cares—and wants to help can make all the difference. I am not the kind of person that likes to be let alone when I am feeling bad. I don’t mean that in the ‘misery loves company’ way. I just usually really want someone to talk to, to express my emotions to, to comfort me. I hope this is normal? I guess I’m not very good on the whole stiff-upper-lip thing. :/

Well, thank you again for your kind comments. Here’s to a great tomorrow!

Update: I am having a problem with the commenting system and the comments from the past couple months are not showing up. So if you commented recently that’s why it isn’t showing up. I’ve contacted Disqus about it and hopefully it will be fixed. You can leave any comments you want now, though, and they will show up fine. It’s just the old ones that are the problem. Thanks!

 
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"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Where Can I Turn?

I have no one in the world to turn to. No one understands my pain. I have nothing to do, no way in which to make the time pass. I can’t sleep at night. I usually stay up all night. And there is no reprieve, nothing I enjoy doing. No escape. Last night, staring at the dark ceiling--it was about 4 in the morning--I felt all the pain and aloneness build up. My only thought was “how can I get through my life”. That’s all I want is to be able to make the time pass as quickly and painlessly as possible. As it is, the hurt just mounts with each moment. I can’t take it any more.

I try to talk to my mom. Usually I can rely on her, but she has been very tired lately. My dad said she is on the verge of a breakdown and she needs to rest so I can’t talk to her. I feel like my dad makes me see the worst in myself. Never do I feel comfortable or accepted with him. I know that he tries but all he ever succeeds in making me feel is rejected, selfish, and a burden. I AM selfish, and that’s why it hurts so much. It’s true. It’s my fault. I am probably projecting my feeling on him. But I cannot deal with my own selfishness and self-absorption. I don’t know how to change and to focus on others. I try to help out at home but it’s never enough. I feel guilty if I don’t and I know whatever I do is not enough. I am still expected to do more, as if in some magical way that will make my parents love me more. Because all they’ve been talking about lately is how I need to help out, to help others. I who can barely get myself out of the bed in the morning. Don’t they know that I am doing all I possibly can to just stay alive?

Everyone has always said that joy and happiness comes from serving others. I used to do that, not much, but some. And it never made me feel any happier. And what about when one physically, mentally cannot? What then? I’m just left feeling guilty and so awful—like scum. Because it seems self-worth only comes from doing, doing…DOING. There is not goodness in trying to get through the day. Deep down I know what they are saying is true, but I honestly feel spread so thin as it is. And like I said, each thing I do just makes me feel worse. Because it makes me realize that no matter how much I do, I will never earn their favor.

So I can’t talk to my mom. Dad said to leave her alone. And I certainly cannot talk to my dad. He usually makes me feel worse. He has that very “fix-it, just DO it. Get BETTER!” attitude. It doesn’t even help to talk to my mom if I could because she just says things like “maybe you could go and visit the kids that haven’t been coming to church and teach them about God.” Or,“happiness comes from helping others. Why don’t you fold some clothes and try to help out more about home.” Would if I could…even when every moment it haunts me knowing I SHOULD. I just want my life to end. I wish I had never been born. She doesn’t get it. Or maybe she gets it better than I do and I just can’t do it. In any case, the fault is certainly with me. With my weaknesses and limitations. I feel helpless to change any of those things. If I had cancer or some physical illness, maybe they would understand. But I think they just think I’m lazy (which I am), but there is also something quite invisible holding me back. Depression is silent and so confusing.

I don’t know how to deal with this despair, this aloneness. I have turned to everyone I know—my parents, my siblings, God, my counselor, my psychiatrist. I already told you what my parents say, but it’s rather laughable how the counselor and psychiatrist respond.

My counselor usually has either one of two responses. If I go in on a very low and depressed day (like today), she responds something like this:

Me: “I have nothing to do. Nothing to live for. I just feel so alone. I wish I had never been born.”

Counselor: “Do you ever think of harming yourself?”

Me: “Yes. I think about it a lot. But I am too scared to do anything.”

Counselor: “What do you think will help you get better, Audrey?”

Me: “I honestly don’t know (to myself: if I knew I wouldn’t be here!)”

Counselor: “That’s a good answer. [pause] You know, I really think you will get better. You have so much going for you.”

Me: “But how? When? What do I need to do?!? It seems like I’ve been feeling this way forever.”

Counselor: “I’m sure it does feel that way. What time do you want to meet next week? I’ll be out of town for a while so it will have to be later in the week…”

Or on a better week…

Me: “I still feel awful but I just try to stuff those thoughts down. Honestly, I just feel kind of numb to everything. I don’t feel really, really low…just kind of blah.”

Counselor: “Well, I think you’re going to be just fine. Everybody has problem around your age. I really think you are mature… (she then goes into a five minute speech about how much I’ve grown up since when she previously worked with me a few years ago. She has repeated this speech about 23 times and I am running out of demure and modest responses.) …so how about we just meet every two weeks now instead of every week—but I’ll be gone to Florida for a while so we might have to make it a little longer. Okay, time’s up. I’ll see you in a few weeks then.”

And then the psychiatrist…

Psychiatrist: “Have you noticed any improvements with this medicine?”

Me: “No, it’s hard to tell but I think I’m about the same. I just feel really down and have a hard time doing anything.”

Psychiatrist (in a soft, slightly robotic voice): “Yeeeah.”

Me: “I have no motivation and just have a hard time getting through the day.”

Psychiatrist: “Yeeeah.”

Me: “I just feel really low and am frustrated that nothing seems to be working.”

Psychiatrist: “Yeeeah. [pause] Do you ever think of harming yourself?”

Me: “Yes, sometimes.”

Psychiatrist: “Have you thought of signing up for some classes at the college?”

Me: “I wish I could, but I just can’t concentrate.”

Psychiatrist: “…because that would be good to get out a little.”

Me: “I tried that but I had to quit because they were too hard.”

Psychiatrist: “…and it would be good to meet some people. Yeeeah. Well let’s try this new medicine/increase this dose…. [explains how the medicine works and how it is really a great formula that I should really see some symptomatic relief from, etc.]”

Me: “Well, okay, but it gets frustrating to keep trying all these medicines and have none of them work. This is the sixth one I’ve taken.”

Psychiatrist: “Yeeeah. This one is really great, though [repeats previous speech about said medicine.]

It’s hard to feel like I’m not connecting with ANYONE. And to have no one to turn to. Well, I have to go to Mass now. The readings this week are soooo long because of Palm Sunday. It’s pretty much the whole Passion narrative. I feel bad saying this, but Mass is one of the hardest things for me. I just cannot concentrate and sit still. Today will be even worse. I have to go, though, so I better get ready. I do love God, it’s just so hard.

 

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish?
My God, I call by day, but you do not answer;
by night, but I have no relief.” 
                                                                                    –Psalm 22:2-3

(This was part of the readings at church today. It relates very much to how I am feeling.)

Two Raw Reviews

As promised in the end of my last post, I am back with some reviews.

These are two foodie finds that at first I was rather lukewarm about, but with time they have certainly grown on me.

Raw Revolution Bars

I’ve had a bunch of these for about a year and for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I didn’t really care for them at first. Recently, I gave them another taste and found that I really like them. Some flavors are better than others, but I like that they provide a pleasant snack when I am craving just a little something sweet (I eat them more as a treat than as an energy bar). I am really going to be sad when they are all gone, as my supply is slowly dwindling.

Parma! Vegan Parmesan

I first tried this a couple months ago, mostly just sprinkling it on soups. At first I couldn’t really taste it much but I recently put it on top of some homemade split pea soup and it was delicious! I love the simple and wholesome ingredients of this product, the convenient packaging, and the extra burst of flavor it adds. Of course, it is something that most of us could probably mix up in our own homes, but considering the ingredients it’s really not that expensive. One site sells it for $3.99, another for $4.99. I’m not sure that you could even buy the ingredients cheaper than that. Over all, I think it’s a fun condiment to have around.

I’m sorry that the links at the top of the page are looking so strange. I tried to fix it but it appears to be a problem with Photo Bucket, which hosts those images, and not me. Hopefully the problem will be resolved soon!

Until next time!

P.S. Elena is having a wonderful giveaway on her blog for a free pint of Coconut Bliss vegan ice cream!
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Disclaimer: All products mentioned in this post were sent to me free of charge for the purpose of reviewing on this blog. I received no monetary compensation for this review.

Just Get Through the Day

That mantra has been running through my mind a lot lately. It is definitely where I’m at right now! If I can manage to just make it through without any real downs, I’m okay with that (for now).

Okay… as I alluded to in my last post, I realize I have not been blogging regularly. I know that’s really not a good way to run a blog, but I try to keep this a fun thing. If I feel obligated to post I just start getting stressed out. That probably sounds kind of silly, but I try not to blog just because of followers or page views. I try to do it because it is something enjoyable in which I can share my interests and have a little creative outlet.

Since the last time I gave an update, not much has changed…but quite a lot has happened  (if that makes sense). I went away to college in August. I was very scared, and I came home after lasting about a month. It was hard to come home because I felt like such a failure. I kept fighting it and trying to make things work but I knew that there was no way it could. In retrospect, I know it was the right decision. I am grateful for the time I had there and I have absolutely no desire to go back. I tried to do a distance-correspondence course from home, but found even that too difficult. Enter the trying-to-just-get-through-the-day-however-I-can mode. It’s been that way since about October. Nothing going, no motivation. Just trying to live (as the title of this post alludes to).

So what have I done? I’ve slept. And tried to sleep. I’ve talked some to my family. Read blogs. Cooked a lot (trying new recipes and ingredients is one of the few things I enjoy. I am very grateful for that creative diversion). Watched movies. Read books, a little…when I can. Gone to weekly Mass. Bi-weekly confession. A therapy session every week or few weeks. In short, it’s been rather dull. But as long as I have enough to keep me interested and busy, I am able to try to keep on living. It’s just in the dark moments when interest in ANYTHING ceases that I really despair and panic. Hopefully those will be fewer and less frequent, though (must try to stay positive, right?).

In December, I started going to a psychiatrist again, after taking some time off of prescription medications. Since around 2007, I’ve been on five different types (not all at once!) of anti-depressants/mood-enhancers/whatever-they’re-called drugs and am currently on my sixth. It’s frustrating to try so many and notice NO change whatsoever. But I keep going to my appointments. I also started counseling up again several months ago. It is really frustrating because I just don’t feel like I am connecting or getting anywhere. Again, I’ve been to a lot of different counselors. Some were better than others but just too far away. The one I am going to now is fairly close, which is nice, and it gets me out of the house. Honestly, I think I get more out of just going somewhere than the actually counseling session.

We are also looking into some other things that may contribute to depression. There are so many things that it could be: a gluten intolerance (somehow that can affect mood), a thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency (I had blood work done in the summer and everything was fine except for a lack of vitamin D. Which is understandable since I rarely go out in the sun—bad, I know. I’m going to try and do better this summer. I also now take a supplement for that.) It could even be a hormone problem. I am currently trying to make an appointment with a doctor to check that last one out.

My family is really so kind through everything. I don’t know what I would do without them, especially my mom. I shudder to think  of the aloneness I would feel if I didn’t have them. I am truly blessed in so many ways. That just makes it more frustrating, though. Why, if I have so much going for me, do I have this problem? It makes me feel very guilty. There are people all over the world who don’t have half of what I do, yet here I am in the lap of luxury having a lack of will to live? It doesn’t really make sense. In my clearer moments, though, I try to believe that God has a plan for all of this. I know He does. I don’t think that we can ever really understand suffering (I almost feel bad calling it that because I know that so many others suffer much more than I do), but I try to offer it up, and to love Jesus even when I don’t feel anything.

I’m sorry if this post was a bit depressive in itself. I don’t want to be a Debbie-downer. : ) It feels very good to write all of this down, though.

I will be back soon with some posts and reviews that are hopefully more chipper. : )

 
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"Our hearts are like stone, and only suffering carves them into bowls large enough to catch the joy." 

                                                                                –Michael O"Brien*, Plague Journal

*I’ve never read his books, but my older brother has and really likes them. I really like this quote